Love Shots
by tekken4life
Summary: My very first collection of Kogan oneshots : Rated M just incase! Please R
1. Chapter 1

**Blindfolded Obsession **

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters. So what? It's not like I cry myself to sleep at night over that… damn it, where are these tears coming from!

**Author's Note:** Hello good people I certainly hope that this finds you in good spirits. So, if you're wondering about why I chose to do this, here's why: lately, I've been unable to concentrate on anything, and I often find myself staring at the ceiling as the hours go by (not studying – I'm so bad!) and having one idea after another ram through myself (minds out of the gutter). So after a consultation with the man who looks at me in my bathroom mirror, I decided to come up with this collection of oneshots to give these ideas life. I hope you like them, I look forward to hearing what you think when you review – also if there's a particular idea you have and want me to write about, please inbox me and let me know

"What the fuck!" There's this icy anger pulsing through his low growl, but I can't seem to stop a shiver from travelling up my spine. Just being this close to him is enough to drive me wild with crazed anticipation of what he's going to do. My hands made quick of the cloth I blinded him with, accidentally brushing against the nape of neck. He hasn't even made intentional contact yet, but already my skin set itself ablaze with passion. I've often wondered whether my feelings about him go beyond the physical; but every time he looks at me with those woundingly forceful green eyes, I can't help but drown in whatever emotion he chooses to bless me with. Every time he smiles at me, my breath instantly disappears and my world starts to spin on its axis. Every word he says to me is a dagger that scars my soul, an injury that never heals. I've lost count over the number of times I slip myself into a pretend world where he sees only me – not as a friend or a lover, but as something even more than that. He just induces this powerful helplessness whenever he's near, and like the idiot I am, I relish every moment of it. How I wish that he'd save me from myself, but I fear that I'll lose my what's left of my sanity if he ever gets too close. This isn't love. Love is nothing more than an airy bubble waiting to collapse under the weight of the world. What I feel is obsession, and it's taken over my heart and soul. I can only pray that some part of him feels the same, just enough to sate my twisted hunger. Without him, I am nothing; and he doesn't even know it.

"Relax" I whispered softly, traversing over the bright orange couch to straddle his hips. I can't believe that it's my voice coming out of my throat. It sounds so calm, yet my heart belied that with its frantic squeezes. His hands automatically lifted themselves to undo the blindfold, but mine were quicker in pinning them down. "Logan, this isn't funny" he muttered angrily, swinging his head around to loosen the knot. Even in the semi-darkness within apartment 2J, his sunshine locks still glimmer brightly, entrancing my eyes away from his face. I tore my eyes away, only to possessively rove them down to his parted lips, satin petals just waiting to be claimed. His breath came in jagged shards, angrily diffusing through the air. He must really hate this – usually he's the one that's so in control of everything… and that's what makes me weak against him. Luckily, I didn't have to worry about that. From nowhere, some alien bolt of courage possessed my body, causing me to lean forward and capture his mouth with my own. I moaned wistfully as I ran my tongue against the soft warmth of his cavern, entangling my fingers against his own. He tastes like heaven, or maybe it's my imagination running wild. Either way, I don't care. I'm a slave to this moment, and I never want it to end. His hands whimpered against my own, but I've waited too long for this. I can't let him go now.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he snarled as I pulled my head back. It's a good thing those eyes aren't piercing me now or else my resolution would desert me like it had so many times before. "Isn't it obvious Kendall?" I asked quietly. His chest heaved up and down in deep gasps. "If this is your idea of a sick joke Logan, I swear to God I will fucking murder you!"

"I wish I was I joking. Maybe it would hurt less if all this was some prank to fool you."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I smiled sadly to myself, craning my head forward to place it against his shoulder. My body had already started to betray me, but I have to stay strong. "I love you" I murmured, feeling the words travel up to his head. "I always have."

"Logan, let me go."

"Every time I see you with someone else, I die a little more on the inside. Did you know that?" His wrists twisted themselves furiously under my grasp. "Get the fuck off of me" he hissed, poison now dripping in his voice. "No" I said, feeling my voice start to firm up. "Not until you can feel what I feel."

"Fuck you!" he roared, finally freeing himself from my affectionate hold. I stared in surprise as his fingers nimbly traversed the cloth and pulled it off, unsheathing his heated gaze towards me. The sheer wrath in his eyes melted me away, draining my body to a limp puppet. With almost no effort, he flipped my body against the couch and blanketed himself on top of me. "What you feel isn't love" he whispered dangerously. "You think I haven't noticed? All the stares that linger just a little longer than normal, all the weird excuses you make just to be close to me. That isn't love Logan, its sick!"

"Love me Kendall, please" I implored, my eyes stinging against the tears. I bit my lip anxiously. "Save me."

"Save yourself." With a final shove of my body into the couch, he peeled himself off from me. His eyes swept across me contemptuously one last time before he turned around and stormed out of the apartment. Not a single decibel sung itself forward from my throat, but the tears burnt themselves freely down my cheeks. He's right – I am sick. I'm twisted fool who risked everything for something that could never be; but I'll still live in the sanctuary of my head. I'll fall deeper into the madness, but this is not the time to be brave… this is not the time for pain. In the end, I guess I'm the one who's blindfolded.

**Hey guys, hope you liked that I promise though, not all of them will be as dark as this one. Please let me know what you thought, I would love to hear from you. Till next time!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Down and Out **

**Author's Note:** There's a bigger chance of my Mom ending up on Food Network than me meeting Big Time Rush, let alone owning them… so as usual, no.

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, what's up? I hope you all are doing well. Big thumbs up to everyone who reviewed and alerted this story. It's kind of weird for me to be updating this collection so soon, but I did say that there's been a lot of weirdness going through my head currently. Also, my friend gets angry when I update too quickly, she can't keep track of the reviews she owes me… (in quiet voice) but don't tell her I told you that! So, I hope I didn't make anyone cry last chapter – I know I was nearly in tears when I wrote it. But this one is my first attempt at genuine humor, so I'd like to know what you think. This is probably going to be my last update for a while in all of my stories, partly because my friend will hit me, and partly because exams are coming up (wish me luck!). So please let me know what you think

"Dr. Wainwright, your twelve o' clock is here. Shall I send them in?" Kelly sighed wearily, brushing her forehead wearily with the back of her hand. The thinly veiled amusement in her receptionist's flat tone wasn't wasted on her – it was all very well for Wanda to sit back and laugh at her exasperation, but when it came down to it, she was the one who had to deal with all of these idiots. She took a forceful sip of water from the bottle on her desk, mentally reprimanding herself for degrading the word 'idiot' to describe this particular couple. As a relationship counselor, she never judged her clients, always sitting and listening with an objective ear to steady the irrational flow of emotion. From her point of view, her job was to get to the heart of the problem, compromise it and reconcile the partners. However, these two 'favorites' were the only exception she made in her solemn oath to help where love was hindered. The most coherent of psychological theories fell pathetically at her feet whenever she had a session with this pair: she didn't know whether to write their issues down to circumstance or personality clashes, but her best efforts to get them to see reason and separate never failed to fail. "Send them in Wanda" she said into the receiver, shaking her head with sardonic abandon. "And pray to God I don't slit my wrists in this session."

"Aw, sweetie. Look at you, getting all religious! God can work miracles, but even He can't save these two."

Stifling a laugh, Kelly took her notepad and pen in hand and walked over to the single leather chair facing the couch on the opposite corner of the room. Usually, she would spend some time to command a professionally neutral air about her, but the one consolation with Kendall and Logan was that she didn't have to bother with all that with them – it hardly mattered, since the hour was usually filled with screeching accusations of infidelity. As she watched the blonde and brunette walk into her office like schoolchildren, she gave into the usual vacancy that her mind created. It was far easier to let them tear each others' throats than to have to listen about their petty squabbles. "So boys" she said serenely, with a solid undertone of boredom running through her words. "Who cheated on whom this time?"

"See, that's what I like about you" grinned Kendall, winking impishly at the counselor. "Always to the point, I appreciate that."

"Well I've had my fair share of practice" smiled Kelly icily. "But I have to say, this run of yours without therapy was the longest. A whole two weeks, I am impressed!"

"Actually, we're not really here for faithfulness issues" said Logan slowly. His cheeks blushed scarlet almost instantly. Kelly frowned bewilderedly. "This is a first."

"Go ahead Logan" said the blonde, smiling wickedly at his boyfriend. He jerked his head forward in the brunette's direction, causing the smaller man's blush to increase to lighthouse intensity. "Tell her why we're here."

"I'm getting to it! God, do you always have to rush me into things?"

"Apparently, I do."

"Some of us actually like to think before we do anything!"

"Girls, girls, you're both pretty" said the shrink uninterestedly, arching her eyebrow at the ensuing altercation. She cleared her throat politely. "Could one of you please tell me what seems to be today's issue?"

"I'll tell you" said the blonde as he folded his arms in frustration. "He won't go down on me." Kelly pursed her lips together thoughtfully, pondering Kendall's revelation. This relationship fell from the notch of the mildly funny type of sad to just plain pitiable. She couldn't believe that someone wasn't making another _Jersey Shore_ out of this. "When you say he won't go down on you, you mean what exactly?" Kendall rolled his eyes cynically. "I mean he won't take my penis into his mouth and pleasure me. Let me guess, you've never gone down on a man either?"

"Kendall, what the hell's the matter with you!" hissed the brunette venomously. "You can't ask her that!"

"What do you care, we already know you don't like sucking a hard one." Logan turned to the shrink with a pleadingly apologetic expression on his face. "I'm really sorry about this" he muttered, lowering his gaze to the floor. "We didn't have anyone else to turn to."

"No please, I don't have enough troubles to deal with" said Kelly, paying an intense interest to her nails. "So Logan, why won't you please your man?"

"It's… I find it disgusting, OK?"

"Disgusting?" asked the blonde incredulously, throwing his hands into the air in a monkey-like fashion. "You're a doctor; you cut people up every single day!"

"I'm saving lives!"

"You poke around their insides with all their blood and guts, but taking my dick in your mouth is 'disgusting'?"

"You know what Kendall, why don't you get that waiter from the restaurant to suck you off? You two had SO much chemistry!"

"Hey, HE flirted with ME!"

"Yeah, but no one asked you to grab his ass when you paid the bill!"

Kelly looked up at the two lovers, a smug smile fitting itself around her mouth. The two of them had frenzied themselves to their characteristic euphoria of fury, but strangely enough she couldn't hear a single word of their rage. "Those Buddhist teachings really pay off" she thought, lifting herself off from the chair. She took one final glance at the anger-stricken pair before she peeked her head out of the door. "Wanda, the usual" she called loudly, shaking her head smilingly. "Bottle of Jack?"

"You know it. And give me the glass this time."

"You know you're just going to end up drinking out of the bottle anyways!"

**OK, I admit, not my best work… but I wanted to give humor a try. What did you all think? Leave me a review and let me know please! Don't forget, if you do have an idea for this collection, you're more than welcome to let me know ;) Till next time!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Perfection's Metamorphosis**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters. So what, I still got my windows down WOOHOO!

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, what's up? Yes, it's another oneshot because these ideas can't leave well enough alone. So, I had a request from my dear friend **Knightales** for a light, fluffy story with no angst. But, I also got another review from a faithful reader **Theaterkid** who wanted some drama, so while I was writing an exam, I got the idea to combine the two requests into one (thankfully I didn't write any of it in the exam, but it was so bad, I might as well have!). This story is dedicated to the two of them, so please enjoy and let me know what you think.

He stood there right in front of me, a god amongst mere mortals. Everything about him is so flawlessly effortless – just being in the same room with him is enough for the air to leave my body. As I viewed him through the camera lens, my mind took it upon itself to idly marinate in each and every feature of his angelic visage. The soft sea green of his eyes penetrated right through the camera, stirring up illicit palpitations in my chest. His skin was just barely kissed with a hint of gold, like a tanned silk stretched over a heavenly work of art. I smiled slightly to myself as my eyes wandered down to his lips, bee stung petals of desire that never set themselves into a smile. "Except around me" I thought sardonically, letting my finger press down the camera button. One bright flash later, and I had made a reasonable attempt to capture his essence. Working with this particular model over the past couple of months has taught me one thing – no photograph, no matter how aesthetically pleasing to the eye would ever be sufficient to portray the unknowing seductiveness that he wielded so aptly. I threw him a curt nod to signal that he was done for the day, instantly beginning my hourly ritual of chastising my wild imagination. People like him; they're addictive freaks of nature for the rest of humanity. No person is ever that perfect, and given my experience in life, the more beautiful they are, the greater the pain is when they break a heart. I shouldn't even be thinking of him in any way but a coworker; not unless I want to go through hell again. It's been years since I've allowed myself to feel some form of love, but the scars I bear have yet to fade. "You can't give in" I murmured softly to myself, turning away from him. I handed over the camera to assistant and ran a weary hand through my hair. "You can't fall now. Not ever." It hurt too much to simply throw caution to the wind. If keeping my life affection-free was what it took to keep me safe, so be it.

"Hey there sexy" whispered a smug voice into my ear. My stomach displaced itself several notches from its allotted place, causing a paralyzing nausea to force its way up my gullet. God, how is it possible that one person can have so much control over another person's body without physical contact? I slowly turned around to face my altar of perverted worship, taking in huge clouds of air all the while to calm myself down. "Do you mind not doing that in here of places?" I whispered furiously, darting my eyes to anywhere but his. "This is one of the few areas of my life where I still have a little bit of dignity left." His usually expressionless lips suddenly animated themselves into a mockingly injured pout. "Don't tell me you're still mad because of that 'incident' last week at your place" he crooned quietly, his hand furtively searching for one of my own. I sensed his intentions within the nick of time and took a step back from his vicinity. "You gave the security guard a black eye Kendall" I said flatly, turning my head to give my assistant a desperate look. My silent plea for a rescue was dismissed by her warm smile – the staff took hysterical delight in my episodes with Kendall. "He wouldn't let me come up to see you!" exclaimed my tormentor comically, throwing his hands up in the air for effect. I returned my attention to him with a quizzical arch of my eyebrow. "I know, I told him not to. I swear to God, I am this close from getting a restraining order."

"And that only makes me love you more."

"Don't say things like that so easily" I said softly, staring into his eyes for the first time today. "Those words can kill someone if you're not careful." Every time it got to a point like this in one of our countless conversations, the shards of emerald would always light up with this naïve curiosity. Not once did he ask me why I resist him so much, and I hope he never does. It's strange in way: I guess when I first saw him, I expected him to command this intense air about him, but if it's in there inside of him, I've never seen it. All I've been graced with is his bubbly patience and a dogmatic conviction that's sharply honed to annoy the living daylights out of his target. I'm definitely grateful; he's an absolute pleasure to work around. I just wish he'd give up this childish game and let me go. It's getting harder to fight him off, and one of these days, I'm bound to slip. "Are you done yet Shakespeare?" he asked, curling his lips into his uniform impish grin. "I wanted to ask you something."

"Which is?"

"Are you free tomorrow night?" And there it is; the one question that's been so many times, it's bound to become the crux of my eventual suicide. "I… I really can't" I said slowly, placing my gaze straight to the floor this time. "The company wants this batch of photos in for the winter catalogue, and it'll be my head on the chopping board if I don't show them anything worthwhile." My ears did not miss his exasperated sigh. "You're going to work on a fucking Saturday night? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Oh, plenty of things" I smiled wryly, flicking my head up. The knowing smirk he threw me forced a thunderous tingle down my spine. "Well, maybe next time. Or the time after that. Or even-"

"I get the idea." He let out a soft laugh. "See you around Logan."

It must have taken him only two minutes to leave the shoot area, but for me, each second seemed to make sweet eternal love to the other, never showing any sign of passing. Why the hell was I feeling like this in the first place? Surely getting burnt once was enough for me; God only knows that I don't need the heartache anymore. My heart had already belonged to another once before, and it ended breaking spectacularly before my eyes. I was helpless to stop it then, but I've grown stronger. Time has made this burden more toxic as the years went by, but I've been able to carry it by myself. "What is it about you that makes me weak again?" I whispered. "Why do I want you so badly?"

-xoxoxoxoxo-

The sun had long set beyond the New York horizon, but my eyes would not tear away from my laptop screen. This was the kind of solemn sanctuary that my work afforded me – after the manic schedules of a shoot; I'd review the day's work over my laptop, judging myself from every possible angle. I guess that's why I chose photography as a career in the first place: from my safe vantage point far above the world, I could run the entire streak of human emotion without getting involved in all the mess. Of course working as a semi-contracted employee of one of the world's most read fashion magazines was far less philosophical than I liked it to be, but my work still achieved praise from far and wide. However tonight, I had to admit defeat at the hands of my Olympian stalker. The sharp intensity of the green eyes stared hauntingly back into my own, almost as their owner was right there in front of me. Over and over, I hungrily gazed back at the faultless visage that was frozen on my computer, running my line of sight upon every bone that came together so seamlessly to form his face, every lustful square inch of exposed skin that lovingly adorned his form. Here alone in my thoughts, it wasn't hard to see why half the nation was besotted with Kendall Knight. "And why I'm fast becoming one of them" I murmured inaudibly, my words slowly evaporating into contemplative silence before they even reached my ears. My heart lurched sickeningly against my chest as my eyes bored deeper into my new obsession, not paying attention to the dying voice of reason screaming in my head. "I'm slipping."

With a frustrated blink of my eyes, I stood up out of my beckoning chair and forced myself to the other side of the room. "God, what's happening to me?" I whispered shakily as I wrung my hands in guilty desperation. My feet quickly took me to the bathroom, landing me firmly in front of the cabinet mirror. The man staring back at me was slowly starting to become a stranger. His eyes were no longer my own, they glinted with ardent yearning, something I thought I repressed within a long time ago. "Are you looking to get hurt?" I said, the air slicing out of my lungs. "Don't you remember what happened the last time?"

"But it's different this time. He wants it." The yearning moan echoed seductively through my head like a battle cry against my conscience. I didn't want this, I didn't want him. I just needed to be by myself and everything in the world would right itself. Kendall was someone I worked with, granted it was begrudgingly, but that was where the entire shenanigan was finished. There was no great revelation of desire, not even some regrettable one night stand. There was just me, end of story.

"Logan, open up." I watched in horror as my reflection's eyes widened in horror. My skin blanched itself into a shockingly pallid absence of color to the point where I feared a ghost stood in my mirror. He couldn't be here. Not now, not when I'm this powerless against him. "Come on, I know you're in there." There was no helping it, this would have to be taken head on if I were to prove to myself that I could put up at least a token of resistance. Reluctantly shuffling my feet to the door, I sent a heaven-bound prayer that this would be quick. If there was any proof that he wasn't human, it was this – no one could ever make someone else this pathetic. "You're a witch" I thought scathingly, opening the door to face the dazzlingly candid smile that waited on the other side of the threshold. "No, more than that, you'll be a murderer soon if you don't stop this." My eyes did an involuntary sweep of his body, noticing that even in jeans and a T-shirt; he's still every bit of the divine being as he is in those photos. His existence must be the most pure form of affliction to every one of his admirers. "Kendall, what are you doing here?" I asked flatly, trying my level best to ignore the sparkling emeralds looking benignly at me. "And how did you even get up here? I gave Steve clear instructions not to let you in."

"It's amazing what people will let you do if you threaten them with a second black eye" he said cheerfully, barging his way past me into the apartment. "Especially if the first one hasn't healed up yet." I shook my head disdainfully at his glee. How could he treat this so casually? "Shouldn't you be out club hopping on a Friday night?"

"I should, but what's the point if you're not by my side?" he sighed, turning around over to my workstation. His Labrador enthusiasm immediately ignited at the sight of the photos looming patiently on the desktop. "Ah, is this from today?"

"Yes-"

"Were you jerking off to me? Did I interrupt you?" His smirk grew wider at my obvious discomfort. He took a step closer, the heat from his body clouding all of my senses. I had expected this, but never thought it would be this dominant. "Do you need the real me to help you finish off?" he said softly, his voice like dripping honey. "People say I'm gifted in bed. One might go so far as to say… godly." I snorted derisively at his arrogance. "Don't flatter yourself. Why are you here?" I watched fearfully as he curled his smile to the corner of his mouth. Right now, he could probably do anything he wanted to me, and I wouldn't refuse. He's the one enthralling poison I can't get enough of. He took a step back, allowing me a grateful inhalation of air. "Look, it's kind of obvious that you're resisting me for some reason."

"Kind of obvious? Try very."

"But I'm not really interested in the reason" he continued, unabashed at my reply. His eyes glimmered knowingly in my direction. "So, I'm going to stop pursuing you." I frowned bewilderedly up at him, his face never once betraying the mask of untold secrets it wore. Somewhere inside my body, I felt my stomach give a disappointed twist. Was it really over so easily? "Really?"

"On one condition."

"I should have known" I muttered irritably, rolling my eyes at the annoying smile he threw me. "I'm not sleeping with you."

"Nah, nothing like that. My sister's birthday is on Sunday, and I want you to come back home with me to the Hamptons."

"You have got to be kidding me" I moaned, letting my open palm catch my falling head. "What the hell for?"

"I just want you to see where I'm from" he said, his smile lessening somewhat. "I want you to know where I grew up and the kind of person it's made me."

"I can tell you that right now – a privileged son of a bitch with too much money on his hands." He laughed melodiously at my retort as a distinct glow overtook his eyes. He could make fun of anything, including himself – he never took anything seriously, but that's the kind of person he was. He didn't have to worry about the perpetual comfort of loneliness falling in through his life. The sun would always shine wherever he walked, dousing him in this ethereal optimism. "And what if I don't come?" I asked quietly. "What will you do?"

"I'll keep chasing you until you give in" he said smilingly. The soft confidence of his voice shuddered throughout my body. If he were to just lay a finger on me, I'd explode in ecstasy. "You know I will Logan. And from what I can see, I'm starting to get through to you. It's only a matter of time." He was absolutely right – there was only a thin film of time until my emotions took over me, leaving me subject to his every whim. If he came that close, I'd lose myself completely to the madness. My identity would lie in ruins, mere remnants of what was. It would be better just for this one time to give in to what he wanted and be free of him forever. "When do we leave?"

"Now."

"WHAT!"

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Do you want something to drink? It's been a while since I've been here so I only have coffee." Kendall gracefully flicked his hand against the switches immediately behind the front door, instantly bathing the entire house in light, stinging my eyes as it bounced off the stark white walls. It was clear that he lived here alone: just a sofa and TV stood in the living room, friendless islands stranded in the vast space of the room. I followed him to the kitchen, turning my head around to absorb these foreign surroundings. While Kendall lacked in materialism, he made up for in sentimentality. The wall that led from the living room down the passage in the opposite direction was covered with photographs of him at the various stages of his life; stretching from kindergarten all the way to his first professional shoot as a model, all aligned with perfect precision and chronological order. Even then, he was the master seducer, every bit as charming as he was now. My perception of my blonde 'colleague' deepened – these photos paid homage to the fact that he was born with this seductive magnetism, pulling in everyone who was fortunate enough to cross paths with him. This man could have anything he wanted; he just had to name it and people would bend over backwards to please him. "And I'm the target this time" I contemplated gravely, shifting my gaze away from the most recent addition of his collection. In between the professional pictures, there was the smaller moments of his life, everyday snippets he coveted from his former reality before the vapid world had tried to sink its talons into him. Two people kept standing out – an auburn-haired woman whose airy cheekbones were set high like his, and a girl who seemed to be exactly like a younger version of her. I gently laid my bag down before the altar of his past and headed up the passage to kitchen. "You really are something else" I thought, feeling my heart begin to do its family tango of excitement. "So what do I hold for you?"

"Coffee's ready" he called, his voice echoing vociferously through the house. I winced as I walked up to him to collect my caffeinated reward for the five hour drive from New York to Westhampton. "You don't have to shout, I'm right here."

"I know, but I'm really glad you came" he grinned apologetically. I smilingly shook my head as I took a sip of the piping hot liquid. "I didn't think you would."

"Well, I didn't have much choice, did I? It was either one weekend or a lifetime of hiding away from you." His smirk widened into that frustratingly optimistic curl of glee. Nothing I said or did seemed to faze him in the slightest; his sheer drive into getting what he wanted was unlike any I'd ever seen. I was wrong, he wasn't a god. Gods would tremble if he so much as glanced them. He was something beyond that, but exactly what, I didn't know. There was a big part of him that I couldn't put into words yet, because I was afraid of what I would experience. All it would take was the gentlest of nudges from him, and I'd lose my heart and soul to this immortal beauty – that was if I hadn't already. He entranced me completely, taking me to this place that I've only ever allowed myself to be once. Already, the signs were returning – the sweaty palms, the mini heart attacks every time he glanced in my direction. I just hoped this time I'd end up somewhere better.

"You seriously thought I wouldn't come?" I asked, laying down my cup of coffee on the countertop. His head slipped into an agreeing nod. "Can I be honest with you?"

"You probably will no matter what I say."

"You're not a very open person, and its scaring people off. You like to think you are, but you're not." He took a sagely sip of his coffee before continuing on his reflective tirade. "You like to be in control of the situation, and if you're not, you have this insane paranoia that something bad is about to happen. You have trouble trusting people so you prefer being by yourself, but deep down you're longing for someone to connect with." As soon as he placed his cup down next to mine, he pulled against his body with surprising strength. His fingertips danced lightly against the back of my waist, tracing feathery circles into the slit of skin that my shirt didn't cover. Against my better judgment, I placed my head down against his chest; making the low moan I emitted my only protest to this sensual assault. His soft laughter at my helplessness swept through my ears and filled my body with equal parts of shame and want. This was what it was truly like to be caught in a storm. "You're broken somewhere aren't you?" he asked quietly, trailing a single finger up my spine. I shivered in his hold, pressing my head further into his chest until I found the sweet music of his heartbeat. "Yeah" I whispered automatically. His other hand wrapped around waist protectively, shielding me from some invisible threat. "I am. Kind of."

"Someone must have hurt you pretty bad for you to be like this Logan."

"Yes." I lifted my head from his chest and gazed straight into his eyes. I was naked before him, completely vulnerable to everything he embodied. If he hurt me now, I wouldn't make it through the pain like I had the last time. "What else do you know about me?" I asked softly. He pulled our heads together until our skin met each other with the lightest of touches. "I know you prefer to take pictures using film rather than digital cameras, you hate anchovies on your pizza and that _21_ is on loop in your car stereo." He brushed his lips against my cheek until they were just before my ear. I closed my eyes to the world, living for only this, only this most regal of touches. I was a slave to this, and I never wanted to leave. "I watch you Logan, I always have."

"Why?" I breathed raggedly. "Why do you love me?"

"Because underneath all that ice is passion. I've seen it when you look at me through the camera. For just one moment, you let go of yourself and just give into the moment. I wish you'd do that now."

"It's not that I don't want to… I don't… I can't…" I took in a breath to steady myself. "I don't know if I can trust you."

"Fair enough sexy" he murmured, throwing me to higher and higher nirvanas of bliss. "Just tell me what you want for now. The rest will come in time."

"Pull me in and don't let go."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"We should probably get up" I muttered sleepily. My eyes kept fluttering open, stealing glimpses at the bleeding dawn of the sun across Westhampton. Kendall groaned irritably as he buried his face further down in his pillow, pulling me closer towards his body with no exertion whatsoever. The thin scrolls of sunbeams crowded themselves across the bedroom window, but it was the comforting pulses of heat from the statuesque body beside me that immersed themselves into me first. A cunning thought cracked across my mind, forcing my lips into their maiden attempt at a mocking grin. "Kendall?"

"Yeah?" I sniggered at the heavy weariness dripping in his voice. "How long has it been since you spooned someone without ever screwing them first?"

"I believe the term you're looking for is 'lovemaking'" he said, the pillow continuing to muffle his voice into quiet whispers of what it should be like. Eventually I heard his head turn, with his breath against my neck a second later. My hand squeezed his in response, transforming my body into his personal playground. I was his now, completely – I didn't care if I slipped, or if I would get hurt in the future. This was all I needed at the moment, and he was only to happy to oblige me. "And it has been a while since I spooned someone" he murmured, tracing oblong shapes across my back with the tip of his finger. I close my eyes and felt my body give a pleasurably shudder, all of its own free will. "Actually, it's been a while since I slept with anyone at all." My heart thudded immediately against my chest, desperate to be free of my body. Needless to say, I already knew the reason behind it all, asking him would only be a futile exercise in pushing him away. He'd been waiting for me all this time. He was either extremely patient or arrogant, but in the end did it really matter? Being here, just protected in his arms, I felt like I had the entire world stretched out before me. It was the beginning phases of where love took over, and everything shaded itself into tinges of pink explosions, but I really was beginning to believe that anything was possible; and that was no easy feat for someone who would call isolation his best friend. "Don't let me fall" I prayed, pulling myself right into his grasp. "I'm taking a huge chance here on you Kendall. Don't hurt me… please."

It was well after nine o' clock by the time we decided to shove each other out of the bed. What had once been separate ideals of determination now combined into affectionate shoves and punches over the single tube of toothpaste that remained in the house. Insisting that we eat breakfast before we shower, my newfound lover dragged me into the kitchen, riffling through the bag he'd brought the night before. I watched on, in total awe of this wonderfully strange creature who had wormed himself into my petty existence. Everything he did, even the small movements that were faded into the background, had this inexplicably magical prowess that kept my attention fixed only on him. "I know I kept the bacon here somewhere" he frowned, rummaging through the contents of his bag. Heaps upon heaps of clothes were produced from its seemingly endless confines until his prize was found – a small rectangular plastic bag, filled with the delight of the ambrosia of breakfast meats. He threw me a tiny smirk. "Can you look through that cupboard for a frying pan?" I turned around to comply, only finding the sleek metallic circle after a considerable amount of straining. "Did you even use this thing?" I asked, examining the smooth ebony surface before handing it over to him. He set it neatly upon the stove top, throwing the packet of bacon aside to look through the drawer beside the fridge. "Nope, not even once. I told you, it's been a while since I've been here."

"Because you had a good reason for staying in New York?"

"Because I had the best reason for staying in New York." He ceased his attack on the drawer and closed the distance in between us with two eager strides. My senses overrode themselves in excitement, heightening to new zeniths at the touch of his fingers around my waist. I slowly lifted up my hand, letting my own fingers catch individually in between his flower-like lips. He playfully nipped at the last one, his childlike enthusiasm bursting to the fore in the most unashamed manner possible. "Can I say it?" he asked softly. His eyes tore through me, penetrating whatever defenses I placed up. I returned his gaze with equal depth, though it took every iota of willpower I had not to melt away here in front of him. "I need to ask you something first" I murmured, my head growing lighter with each second. "How come you only smile at me?"

"You noticed huh?"

"Yeah. I don't think I've ever taken a picture of you when you're smiling." His smirk grew as his planted the softest of kisses against my palm. "You know I'm a model right?"

"I have noticed that, yes."

"I'm pretty much up for public scrutiny. People have seen almost every part there is to see about me. Don't you think I should save something for you?" I shook my head smilingly, snaking my arms around his back. I laid my ear against his chest, listening to the faint song of his heartbeat lulling me to further states of serenity. Never in my life have I been this caught up with someone else – or this at peace with myself. "Say it."

"I love you."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Sunday arrived in all of its lazy morning glory, but by early morning the two of us were already driving ourselves into a frenzied state of activity. Kendall had packed what seemed like an entire party store in the trunk of his car, and kept giving me these delirious grins as we unpacked the party decorations. I couldn't help but feel various shades of confusion as I made the trips between the kitchen and the car with ant-like diligence. I didn't really see the point in me being here now that he already succeeded in what he set out to do. This was as an occasion meant for family, someone like me had no right yet to intrude on something so special. "But you need to be here to see the best part!" exclaimed my colleague, pulling out various strings of tinsel from the boxes with dexterity that a spider monkey could be proud of. "She's going to hate this so much!"

"You mean love it, right?" I asked, arching my eyebrow quizzically as I placed the last of the boxes down on the counter. He shook his head with that classic evergreen smile, wounding me right down to the core. "My sister's a boy at heart" he sighed, running his eyes across the tinsel's length. "She hates all of this girly crap. The look on her face will be absolutely priceless."

"How very thoughtful of you" I laughed, pulling out a snow white cloth dotted with cherry blossoms from the box that had just been in my arms. Being here with him now only served to confirm that there were two sides to Kendall Knight: the indifferent ice prince that the rest of the world loved, and the zealous puppy that only his beloveds were privy to. "And now, I can count myself as one of them" I thought, smirking to myself like the love struck idiot that I was. All the same, the panicked thunderbolt of my worries had not simply erased itself now that I had consented to this. There was always a downside to happiness; I had experienced it far too often in my young life to ignore it. "If I keep this up, will there really be pain on the other side. Can I really get hurt again?" I momentarily paused myself and turned around to see Kendall desperately attempting to untangle the three tinsel circles spiraled around his body. "He loves me now, but what about tomorrow? Or the day after that?" My stomach exploded silently in adrenaline, releasing wave upon wave of fresh woe that hadn't even happened yet. I took a deep breath to try and stem the flood and turned back around, the image of the god I loved burnt permanently into my head. Even as I faced the blank wall, I still somehow saw his eyes, staring at me with their soft green haunt, sparkling to match their owner's innocent smile. "The past is just that" I whispered, careful not let my words reach any ears but my own. "He wouldn't hurt me." So why was it so hard for me to believe that now?

"Anyone home?" A cheerful voice rang through the house, followed shortly by vociferous thuds of boots against the floor. Behind me, I heard Kendall abandon his battle with the killer tinsel and run over to hug the new arrival. "Damn it woman, why don't you ever call me when I'm New York?"

"You know I would, but every night I sit by the phone and wait for my son to call, but he never does. It's really a shameful set of affairs; I think I may have to kill him for the tears he made me cry."

"Get in line, the tinsel has dibs. God, I missed you so much Mom" he moaned. I turned on my heel and threw a smile at the auburn-haired woman, instantly recognizing her from the wall of photographs. Like her son, she too was blessed with ethereal grace beyond compare, commanding an informal elegance with just her presence in the same room as us. She had aged from the youthful goddess I'd seen in the photos, but there was no mistaking her almost deadly beauty. "So you must be Logan" she smiled, walking forward with an extended hand. Before I could muster a response, she warmly took my own into hers and crushed it with a surprising show of strength. "Nice to meet you Mrs. Knight" I smiled, coercing myself not to wince at the pain shooting through my arm. My greeting earned me a bare hint of porcelain white teeth. God must have either just gotten laid or gone heavy on some divine alcohol when He made the Knight family – their refined looks outclassed anyone that I'd ever seen. "Please, call me Jennifer" she said, now rubbing her palm against my elbow. For fear of further injury, I nodded my head into a weak agreement and looked over imploringly at Kendall to save me. He jerked his head impishly, before walking over to drag his mother away from me. "Where's the birthday girl?" he asked, renewing his struggle with the tinsel. Jennifer shook her soft waterfall of fiery hair, walking over to her son. Her hands made quick work of the decoration's bind, her fingers ripping and pulling away the main strand from Kendall's waist. "Your sister's gone for the morning" she said flatly, freeing the last bit of tinsel from his body. "Kelly took her out for some half day spa special."

"Bet she loved that."

"You have no idea. Be prepared for Satan's wrath like you cannot believe." She clicked her tongue impatiently, flicking aside a stray lock of blazing ginger hair. "Damn it, I forgot the cake in the car."

"I'll get it" offered Kendall, shooting a dark glower at the still snake of silver lying unobtrusively on the floor. He shuffled impatiently on his feet as he waited for his mother's car keys and dashed out of the door into the sadistic slap of the cold morning upon obtaining them. "I wonder if that boy will ever learn" sighed Jennifer, gazing longingly in his wake. She turned her head to smile apologetically. "I'm pretty sure he must have dropped himself on the head when he was a kid."

"He's not really like that at work" I said, smiling slightly for the sake of appeasing her. The uncomfortable sensation of being here with someone so close to Kendall made me feel more of a trespasser than anything else. I was slowly in the torturous process of becoming a stranger in my lover's world, despite all the efforts he had made to welcome me here. I was pretty certain that I'd soon disappear from it all, what with the combination of my awkward presence and the dark misgivings swirling in my head. "Just like before."

"Kendall talks about you all the time" said Jennifer, pulling me out of my depressive self-affliction. I looked up to see her smiling, cocking my head bemusedly. "He does?"

"Of course. He never stops going on about you. I have to say Logan; you must be one incredible person to get him wound up like that."

"I'm actually no" I said quietly, lowering my gaze to the floor. What was it about these Knights that made me feel so unworthy in front of them? "There's nothing remarkable about me."

"Don't sell yourself short there. It only takes one breath of true love to make someone forget their own dreams." I looked up sharply to meet her eyes with an alarming quiver. I could feel the color drain from my face, my heart starting to do its familiar despairing waltz. "What do you mean?" I asked softly, watching her mouth curl nostalgically into a smile. "When Kendall first got into modeling, he wanted to travel the world and walk along all those artsy catwalks in London and Paris. I tried to make him stay in the States, but you know how stubborn he can be. Anyways, about six months ago, his managing company told him he'd passed the audition for some fashion festival thingy in Berlin with a follow up gig in Milan. He point blank refused to go."

"Because of me?" I whispered softly, feeling the dread insidiously curl up my spine. I saw Jennifer's mouth continue to talk, but my senses abandoned me in my moment of need. I was the one who had cost him his dream. Instead of soaring across the catwalks of the world, he chose to be with me instead. My mind flooded with terror as I backed up against the wall, feeling the house spin around me with mad abandon. I couldn't breathe – it was as if I'd forgotten how to take in air. Every fiber in my body screamed with guilt. He would hate me one day for this; it was so obvious to see that. He would look at me and see the man who cost him the very reason of why he'd chosen to become a model at all. I was wrong – I would be hurting him, not the other way around. Pain, it seemed, was so much greater when I was the one causing it.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Are you OK? You haven't said a word since the party began." The drive back to New York was quicker this time, but it might as well have lasted an entire day for all I cared. My hand fumbled around my pocket for my apartment, dragging it out and inserting it into the slot on the door. I couldn't bring myself to open the door and let him in. If I did, it was a death knell for his career. Sexuality aside, what model in their right mind, male or female, would turn down the chance to do a show in Europe of all places? "I'm sorry" I said, feeling my heart knot itself in between my ribs as I watched him tilt his head at me innocently. I was sorry – sorry for being the one who had to be the one and only reason for him staying in New York, sorry for being selfish and wanting him to never leave me right now… sorry for not being able to say those three words. "I love you" I whispered, my eyes transforming into shimmering pools instead of their usual firm chocolate. I looked away as he came closer to me, but his fingers entranced my face to stare longingly at him. "Really?" he murmured, stroking my cheek with his thumb. I nodded. Smirking superiorly, he leaned forward and dragged his lips softly against my face, exciting my skin in writhes of sinful bliss. "You don't know how long I've been waiting to here you say that" he said, pulling back from me. My hand traveled up to his, reluctantly pulling it away from my face. "Your mom told me that you turned down a chance to go to Europe."

"I wish she'd stop broadcasting my life like that" he breathed wearily. "She's worse than the tabloids when she wants to be."

"I… I need to tell you something Kendall." I bit my lip anxiously. This was the final threshold, the last part of me that he didn't know about. If I had to let him go, I'd have to let this go too. "I've only ever had one serious relationship before this."

"Damn and I was hoping to be your first!"

"Be serious" I whispered. I would miss the random bursts of lightheartedness when it was gone. Collapsing my chest in one fluid breath, I gathered up the scattered rags of my courage and went on to tear his heart to pieces. "Before I graduated from college, I was going out with a guy from my class. He was… he meant everything to me."

"You loved him?"

"Until now." I slipped my hand into his and gripped onto it for dear life. "It killed me whenever you'd flirt with me at work because the two of you are so alike."

"You're worried that you love me because of him? I don't really care Logan, just as long as you love me."

"There's more. Somehow his family found out about us and they weren't too happy with him going out with another man. One day he just showed up here and said it was over." My hand grew tighter around his, but he didn't say a word. All of his being was focused on me right now. "I went mad. I must have left a thousand of messages on his phone. I showed up screaming at his work place. I even got arrested for kicking his dad in the balls."

"You bad boy" laughed Kendall softly. "Who knew you were such a rebel?"

"They dropped the charges. But it sunk in" I said slowly. "He wasn't coming back."

"I'm not leaving you."

"But I have to Kendall" I whispered hoarsely. My eyes stung with the acidic mist of my desolate tears. "You can't give up-"

"I'm not going anywhere" he said firmly. The sea green of his eyes blazed obstinately in response to my incomplete sentence. His arms wrapped themselves around my waist and pulled me right against his body. "I know what you're trying to do. Did my mom also tell you that ever since I saw you, you're the only thing I think about?"

"Something like that, yeah."

"Then she must have told you that I don't want that anymore." He pursed his lips together in one intense line. "Logan, look, you're right" he said softly. He pressed his forehead against mine gently, letting his hands wander around my back. "I wanted to have the world at my feet. I wanted to be the best at what I did, but ever since you came into my life… it's all worthless whenever I'm close to you like this. You're why I get up every day." His lips brushed against mine, barely touching against my softened pout. Electric sparks flew across my body, bringing everything in their path affectionately to life. This wasn't a ghost from my past – this was my now. "I can't do this without you sexy" he crooned, his fingers tapping lightly against my hips. "You're the only thing I need." I let out a soft whimper as I gave into him. "Can I say it?" I asked thickly, letting my head land squarely against his chest. I felt him laugh deeply before pressing his lips against my hair. "You'd better." I belonged only to him now: I trusted him more than anyone else. He would never let me fall like I had before. He was the one who had taught me to love again and ended the measly existence I lived before this. How could I not end up giving him everything that I was? "I love you."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

**Epilogue**

"You're smiling in this one." I placed my laptop in Kendall's lap, watching him scan his digitized self with a bewildered frown. "So?"

"SO, the company decided to use this one as the cover for the summer brochure."

"And the problem is?"

"I thought you said you only smiled for me." His face instantly lit up with a blithe smirk. "Jealous are we?"

"No… maybe a little." His grin continued to grow wider, threatening to split his face in two. I gave an exasperated sigh. "Fine, I'm jealous. After this, what's there left for me?"

"Good point" he said, laying the laptop onto the nearby table with a mocking frown. "What will be left after this goes public? I'll be in the masturbatory fantasies of women and fairies everywhere."

"Don't patronize me." With lightning speed, he grabbed my arm and pulled me on top of him. His fingers roamed themselves across my sides, enticing a rapturous moan from my lips. I lowered my lips to his, running my tongue against the sweet petals. His mouth acceded to my lustful beg, tasting even more heavenly than the bee stung barrier guarding them. I pulled back from our union to take in the emerald fire in his eyes. He was my all, and this time I wasn't about to let him go. "Anyone ever tell you how perfect you are?"

"Yes, but a guy loves hearing it over and over again." I laughed as I let my head fall against his. It didn't get any better than this. "Can I tell you something else instead then?" His hands ran through the dark forest of my hair in response. He knew it already, but I never grew tired of saying it. This would be my motto until my last breath. "Go ahead."

"I love you."

**Well, that's it Hope you all liked it, especially Theaterkid and Knightales, this one was for you! Please leave a review and let me know what you thought or if you have an idea that you would like me to write about. Till next time guys, stay safe and ship Kogan! Ciao!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Penance**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… that's just how I roll these days…

**Author's Note:** What up guys? So, I'm updating this a bit earlier than I normally would, but **Theaterkid** put in a request for more Kogan drama! So, I spent a hell of a lot of time thinking about it, and eventually it came to me in a dream… Nah, I'm lying, it came to me in the shower. So **Theaterkid**, this one is especially for you friend! To the rest of my lovely readers, hope you enjoy it as well.

"I'll cook you dinner if we can spend the rest of the day at the pool!" squealed Jo enthusiastically, swooping the brunette's hands into her own and squeezing them enthusiastically. Logan's eyes rounded their glossy irises into perfect spheres as he fearfully backed away into the comforting support of the loud orange couch. He should have learned by now that the one thing that trumped Jo Taylor's saccharine personality was her thunderous zeal, possessing her to charge like a wild bull into whatever life could throw at her. This girl was basically Labrador stuck in a human body, but he loved every bit of it. "I don't think that it's the right time yet" he said slowly, moving his head away from the blonde's ardent nods. He watched her face sour almost instantly at his words, feeling the couch stretch beneath him as she collapsed next to him a second later. He turned his head smilingly to watch her lips pout themselves out with a sigh. How this particular romance came to bloom was still an enigmatic equation that he couldn't wrap his head around – every time he thought he had the answer, he'd suddenly gain a new perspective that completely changed everything. By all given statistics, he shouldn't have been anything other than a friend to her. The evidence was slapping him in the face, clear as day to see: apart from their obvious personality differences, wasn't the fact that she was the ex-girlfriend of the one person who knew him inside out count for something? Every ounce of affection he felt towards her was blatant treachery, and yet still he pursued this. "You'll never know why I'm in this with you" thought the brunette, faking a smile at the playful shenanigans of his girlfriend's face. "But I still love you no matter what. I just love him too."

"Are things still awkward between the two of you?" asked Jo, tapping Logan against his ribs with her finger. The brunette gritted his teeth until she abated the contacted, never once letting so much as the hint of a wince pass across his face. Hidden underneath his shirt was the price he paid for loving so deeply, an artwork of sacrifice that had gone on ever since him and the blonde started going out. His body had become a passive canvas for a wrathful artist, painting each stroke of bruises with punches, kicks and whatever form of violence he could express, and he loved every mark. "Yeah" he said quietly, turning his gaze away from Jo. He wasn't sure that he could hide properly hide the swell of emotion this time. Every time someone even mentioned him, his heart would do an infinite performance of contortions in his chest. His very name was enough to send his mind racing with all the sick possibilities he'd have to suffer to endure just to even be close with him. It didn't matter one bit that he was the single focus of endless tsunamis of rage – it was worth it. "Things are bad" he said simply, his voice dropping to almost whisper range. Jo fiddled with her thumbs, staring gloomily ahead at the blank TV screen. "Do you regret us?" she asked softly. "Maybe we happened so fast that people won't accept that we're together."

"Do you regret this?" The blonde threw her head back at the couch with deep exhalation. "Sometimes. Every time I think of Kendall, I just can't help falling into the guilt. But I tried, I really did. It's just that…"

"It wasn't there anymore" offered Logan, stroking his thumb against the soft silk of her skin. "You can try and dress it up any way you can, but if your heart's not there, you're just two people with all the space in the world between you." Jo sniggered appreciatively. "Since when did you get so smart?"

"Oh, I've always been smart babe, you just haven't noticed." The smile faded from Jo's face as she pondered the brunette's words. "I don't know. I guess that I thought that when I came back, things would be the same… that he'd be the same." She gripped Logan's hand tightly turning to face him. "When will this all end? I'm his ex, you're his best friend; we can't just keep going on and hiding this from the rest of the world forever. For all we know he might have already told people."

"He hasn't" said the brunette quietly, keeping his line of sight firmly fixed away from the limpid amber circles staring so intently at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a bemused frown strike his girlfriend's face. "How do you know?"

"I just… I do. Please trust me." Jo folded her arms expectantly. "That still doesn't answer my question. When will this all go away?"

"When he finally lets this go. And that's never going to happen."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

The shirtless man staring back at Logan from the mirror was a stranger. A foreigner inhabiting his own skin… willfully manipulating his own feelings, throwing him deeper into the brewing storm. His hands lightly roamed across his body, a temple so alien to him now, he feared he may never find himself again in the future. The skin just beneath his ribs was tinged light yellow, sharply contrasting the small patch of blue above his hips. His neck trembled as he dragged the fingertip across the thin ribbon of crimson snaked across his neck – last night; Kendall's resentment had evolved to include biting instead of the usual flailing of his limbs. Shame rose within him, stretching its tainted wings across his heart and making his head spin even more than usual. Not once did he fight back or even try to defend himself. He defied every natural reaction his body wanted to make, forcing it to stay put and endure the flurry of violence his love would perform especially for his sake. To him, these were not artworks of abuse, but rather marks of acknowledgement – since his courtship with Jo began, the taller blonde had all but disowned him from every facet of his life. Apartment 2J had become a potential minefield, forcing all of its inhabitants to consider every word that spewed forth from their mouths before actually giving them a sound. Carlos and James, though sympathetic to his cause, could not bring themselves to explicitly state their support; and silently supported the brunette through all of Kendall's tirades. Even Rocque Records was not immune to the war: Gustavo and Kelly had immediately insisted upon recording each of the boys separately to avoid any conflicts. It was a smart move on their part, and the music was still as good as ever, but to the brunette, it felt like Big Time Rush deconstructed. With the line firmly etched into the sand, the band had slowly begun to lose the deep bonds of friendship they once shared; and Jo's presence wasn't enough to save him from the pangs of loneliness that would grip him every night. "But I love you" he whispered, praying for some sign to show itself and guide him back to the way things were. Was this love? Could this sickeningly twisted triangle be fit to even call itself love, or was it an obsession that ran too deep? He didn't know anymore – what was once clear cut answers now only lead to more questions, leaving him stranded with no hope of rescue.

"Waiting already I see." Logan turned around, his heart thumping furiously at the sight of Kendall slowly closing the door behind him. He was early today; it wasn't evening just yet, but it didn't matter. The creation of their own private world had begun; time was merely a privileged spectator. Feeling his mind yield to the abyss as it always did, the brunette nodded at Kendall and turned back to the mirror. "Break me" he murmured, dropping his hands pathetically at his side. "I'll still love you at the end of it all. Do your worst."

"Not now." Logan had barely a second for a frown to for upon his face before he felt the blonde's hands wrap themselves around his waist. He shuddered as Kendall's fingers lay gently on his hip, the small whimper bursting forth from his lips was the only protest he put up. "This one was for her choosing you over me" whispered the blonde, headily tracing his fingertip against the bruise. Logan shunted his head to the side, unable to stand the exquisite rush of pain shooting through his body. Kendall was barely touching him, but it was enough to set his milky skin ablaze with passion. "And here's when I couldn't stand that you didn't do a thing to stop it" murmured the taller man, trailing his finger up to the brunette's rib bruise, forcing his breath to come out in a weakening gasp. Kendall chuckled softly. He ran his finger further up, eventually tracing the faint streak blitzed across the smaller man's neck. "And here's when you told me you loved me" he said, leaning his head across Logan's shoulder. The soft silk of his lips tenderly grazed across the brunette's neck before he traced his tongue back and forth against the scarlet scar. Logan moaned, shifting more his weight against the solid form of the torso. "What-"

"Am I doing?" Kendall planted his lips softly against the smaller man's shoulder. "Just… making sure of something."

"Of what?"

"Come to the record company tonight and you'll find out."

"So what? You can humiliate me in front of everyone?" The blonde sniggered icily, brazenly streaking his fingers against Logan's stomach. "You did that by yourself pal" he said softly before nipping playfully at the brunette's earlobe. "Besides… if you love me, you'll come."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

No matter how many he tried analyzing it; Logan had to admit defeat at the blonde's words. "Pretty arrogant of him to assume it" he muttered, finally bidding farewell to the Los Angeles night as he entered the record company. Tonight, the building seemed completely devoid of people, freezing the air into uneasy pockets. Kendall's sudden penchant for secrecy wasn't a surprise, but the brunette did wish that he picked a place where there was at least one person around – he may have laid all his defenses into a forced retreat, but he wasn't about to let things get out of hand. "Not that it's worth living anyway" he contemplated miserably, pulling his head down to watch his feet drag him into the main corridor of the building. The rest of his day had consisted of locking Jo inside his firm embrace, as if she was a talisman to ward off her ex's presence. It seemed amazing, but even more so; disgusting, that he could so easily flit between people and have his personality so easily swayed by them. Being in love with two people at the same time just didn't cut as an excuse anymore, and after this afternoon, the decision weighed heavily upon him. Jo was everything he wanted: safe, reliable and sweet… so why was his mind still thriving off of Kendall's touches? Why did he yearn so much for any contact with him, no matter how degrading? "Why do I love him?"

"I'll tell you why." Logan looked up from the ruby carpet beneath his feet, staring blankly at the man he loved smiling frostily before him. The troubled brown of his eyes did a quick sweep of the taller man, settling alarmingly on the black piece of metal in his hand. "A gun?" he breathed, feeling his voice catch somewhere in his throat. Kendall took a step forward to the paralyzed brunette, relishing in every wave of terror the deep mahogany eyes staring at him radiated. "Didn't you ask me to break you?" he whispered softly. Logan's lips parted slightly. "Where'd you get it from?"

"I think the bigger question is what I'm going to do with it" smiled the blonde, pressing the cool metallic tip against the smaller man's temple. The air in the brunette's body abandoned him, rendering him nothing more than a fearful shell. "Here's why you love me Logan – I'm the one person who actually gives a fuck. In every single person in your life, who's been the one right by your side? From kindergarten right till now, who's been there to hold your hand and tell you everything was alright?"

"You have." Logan didn't mean to answer, but somehow the words just flew out. Kendall didn't even have to resort to physical means to get him to obey. "You've been there."

"And you don't love her. She's just a way for you to get to me. She could drop dead right now and you wouldn't care, as long as I'm the one standing next to you, right?"

"I do love her."

"NO YOU DON'T!" The blonde grabbed Logan's shirt and pulled him closer, brandishing the gun even further against his milky skin. "I love her" he snarled, fury blazing against the soft green of his eyes. "I fucking worship the ground she walks on!" Instantly his eyes misted over with an acidic mist eating away at his eyes. Two identical saline trails blazed down the fine skin of his cheek, shining brightly in the fluorescent light. His face contorted several times with an unfathomable grief, marinated heavily underneath swathes of anger and despair. Logan watched as his love broke to pieces as the world he trusted crumbled at his feet. "How could she choose you?" asked the blonde hoarsely. "I gave her everything."

"You want her? Tell me the word and I'll leave, I swear." Logan reached out his hand to caress the taller man's cheek but Kendall threw him back, taking a swooping pace backwards to avoid his touch. "Kendall, don't do this, please" he whispered, his eyes shimmering imploringly. The blonde shook his head zealously. "No… no, I have to do this." He lifted his arm, pointing the gun straight at the side of his head. Indecisive trembles shook across his hand, but he willed them away as soon as they appeared. There was no reason in his head now, just the blinding rage of a soul rejected by the only person he'd ever loved. "She'll love me after this."

"Kendall put the gun down."

"No, I've waited too long for this. Ever since you took her away from me! You're a fucking snake Logan!"

"Don't be an idiot" whispered the brunette, unfreezing himself to take a step forward. "You really think killing yourself will make the pain go away?"

"No" murmured the blonde, curling his lips into an unsteady smile. "But you'll be broken forever, and that at least, is worth something."

"Kendall-"

"I hate you."

The shot echoed through the brunette's ears a million times like despairing lightning, but it seemed to take forever to watch the taller man's body fall to the floor. He looked on in immovable horror as the soft green eyes, once so enthusiastic for the world, let out their last pulse of life before fading into nothingness. A plethora of crimson rivulets streamed from his body to the smaller man's feet, tiny soldiers rallying up their escape from accursed prison. Gone… gone within a final show of his inferno. One final glimpse into the end of his hell, and the start of Logan's. His body allowed him one sentence, a final offering to the dark side of his heart, laying it before himself at this deadened altar. "I'm sorry", but the words were far too late for someone who would never hear them in the first place. In the ringing silence that followed, the brunette stared at the lifeless remainder of his beloved and mistook the howling L.A. winds for the sound of his heart shattering.

**~THE END~**

**Theaterkid, hope you enjoyed that, as well as the rest of you guys! Till next time!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Torn Away**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters, but I'll think of them every time I fall asleep… sigh…

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, what's happening? So thank you to everyone who reviewed and alerted the last chapter, I must say that I was a little surprised at how dark that came out, but I do hope that you all liked it So I received an anonymous request to do a little more Kogan action, but this time with a little more hate in it. I don't know who you are, but this one is for you, so please sit back and enjoy!

Try as he might, Kendall couldn't help but throw a frosty smirk towards the brunette as he froze his body against the hotel room door. They had done this so many times before, but tonight would be different. Tonight would be the night that they finally parted ways after corrupting each other to the very brink of destruction, years of poisoning each other with sickened obsessions and whimsical jealousies would be extinguished in this one last tryst. After this, there would be nothing – no ashes to remind them of what was, no mementos to tempt them back into this void of a relationship. This was born out desire, fuelled by a passion that possessed them until they could feel nothing else. There was no room for emotion here, except the heady tang of hate that flickered brightly in what was left of them after all this time of walking in the darkness. The time had come to say goodbye once and for all. He just didn't know how to do it.

"One last night for old time's sake Logan?" asked the blonde quietly, politely withdrawing his grin back into neutrality. He cocked his head inquiringly at the brunette, the haunting green of his eyes sweeping across the body he once called his own. "I didn't think someone so innocent like you would do something like this, especially not the night before his wedding."

"You and I are as far from innocent as possible" said Logan flatly, working his nimble fingers down the buttons of his shirt. As the last hold of fabric gave way, he shed the sweeping white cloth to floor, gazing intensely at the blonde in spite of his vulnerability. "The difference is I have the guts to admit it."

"So does that mean you told Camille about us?"

"Every single, horrible detail" muttered Logan, whipping off his belt with admirable dexterity. Kendall left his sanctuary at the door and walked over to the brunette, carefully reaching out to caress the silken skin before him. He could feel the electricity spark vivaciously through his being as his fingertips barely brushed across the smaller man's neck, tracing a yearning path down to his collar bone before falling off completely. "Doesn't say much about her if she's still willing to go through with this" he whispered softly, his eyes ablaze with depthless want in the dimmed light of the room. Logan frowned bemusedly. "What does that mean?"

"I'm just saying that she'll probably be looking over her shoulder for the rest of her life, wondering what other man her husband is fucking around with. Then again that might all be redundant since you're not going to go through with this anyways."

"You never could read me properly" replied Logan smoothly, absentmindedly toying with the buckle of his pants. Instantly he felt the blonde's hands replace his own, rendering him completely naked in a single, impatient tug. His ears picked up on the soft rumple of pants and boxers falling, but his eyes remained focused on the green daggers staring expectantly back at him. "I love her, and that's a lot more than what I felt for you."

"Felt? You're using past tense already?" Logan shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, taking grim satisfaction at the growl in the taller man's voice. "It's only a matter of time before I never have to see your face again. Why not use it?" The blonde slowly leaned forward, dragging his lips across the brunette's jaw line before they took a playful nip at his ear. His hands traversed around the smaller man's waist, pulling his naked form closer to his own body. The warmth of the milky skin set his own on fire, surrendering to the primal need pounding relentlessly in his blood. "Doesn't your heart beat a little faster when I do this?"

"Not anymore."

"Do you want me?"

"Not like I used to." The blonde traced the faint figure of a heart against Logan's back, smiling slightly as he felt a small shudder pass through the smaller man's body. "Do you love me Logan?"

"I never did. And I never will." Logan lifted his head and tenderly collided his lips with the blonde's, running his velvet tongue skillfully across the bee-stung lips, gaining access almost immediately to the moist cavern he craved so desperately. His hands teased the sides of the taller man's body, sparking off blushes of lust upon the firm torso standing against him. He knew this game too well, but it never did get old – and that was the more dangerous than anything Kendall could ever do. The real threat lay in how addicted this twisted sexual chess could get, and Logan feared that if he didn't end it now, he may never leave. Camille was more than a lover; she was a way out of this hedonistic hell. He should have felt a little more shameful than he did about using her to forget about this chaos of bodies, but she did offer a chance to escape into a less alluring, but far safer future: one that didn't paint the man whom had taken over his life so willingly.

"Does she know what you're up to right now?" murmured Kendall, writhing his body out from his T-shirt. He made quick work of disposing of his jeans and underwear before returning the brunette right back to where he was. Logan slowly closed his eyes and pulled his tormentor to the yield of the bed, feeling the blonde's hands explore his body as if they touched him for the first time. "Does it matter?"

"Of course it does. If she knows, she'll be the one who'll call this thing off. If you didn't tell her, your conscience won't allow you to set foot in that church tomorrow afternoon, let alone promise to be hers." He let out an icy laugh before briefly slipping his tongue into the smaller man's mouth. "Either way, I win."

"You lost the day I stopped caring Kendall" hissed the brunette, feeling the blonde's steeled erection grind into his. He twisted his head into the side, feeling Kendall's teeth sink into his neck a second later, making one last mark before they walked away from this. Their bodies were nothing but toys in all of this, weapons to be used against the other. "This means absolutely nothing, just like you."

"Then why am I here? Why did you call me?" snarled the blonde, flicking his hips profligately into the brunette's groin. Logan turned his head back to him; his eyes narrowing to glittering slits as they watched the taller man silently beg him for an answer. He owed him this much at least. "This is my last gift to you."

"I don't need your fucking sympathy!"

"Sure you don't. After this, you'll be onto the next person, just waiting to destroy their lives."

"You are not innocent in this! Everything I did to you, every fucked up mistake I ever made was because of what you did to me!"

"Yes it was" said Logan hoarsely, cupping his palm against the taller man's neck. His wrath was tangible now, but it was too late to slip back into the mess. "And that's why we have to stop."

"Can you honestly do this?" asked the blonde, lowering his head to press his forehead against the brunette's. "You're just going to move on and leave me to pick up the pieces?"

"No. After tomorrow, we'll both be free." Logan lifted his head slightly and tasted the sweet tang of regret against the blonde's lips. "And that is worth any price."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Yeah, thanks Mom. Tell her I love her too." Logan took one final glance in the mirror before turning around, silently mortified at the utter devastation sprawled across the bed. "I'll call you later. Bye."

"You make it sound so convincing" whispered Kendall softly, averting his eyes to the ceiling. "Either you're a brilliant actor-"

"Or I really do love her" said Logan quietly, carefully sitting his phone back down on the nightstand beside the bed. The tuxedo suffocated him, but he regarded it as a uniform of his freedom. Mere hours stood before this chapter could finally come to its catastrophic end, poison fermenting in years of hatred would soon fade away to offer him up to a blank canvas. "Remember what you said the first time we did this?"

"This isn't love" said the taller man, a small grin playing across his lips. "This is something we do to tolerate each other's existence."

"And I'm pretty sure if the tables were turned, you'd be rubbing this in my face."

"You're doing a pretty good job of it. It's just a more dignified version of what I expected." Logan exhaled deeply. "Look at me."

"No."

"Look at me." As if by magic, the blonde turned his head, facing the brunette with an unspeakable hurt. Logan's eyes stayed strong, unwavering in the melancholic mask. "Why is it so hard for you to move on?"

"Because I don't know that I can" said Kendall simply, feeling his voice crack painfully. This shouldn't have been hard at all; this should have been the easiest thing in the world to do. He should be grateful for the chance to move on from the edge of this chasm, but the brunette's unabashed magnetism was too powerful to resist. "Ever since we met, I've lived my life in terms of you. My hate, my fixation, everything comes back to you." Logan took a step closer to the bed, covering the blonde's hand with his own. "And now?"

"Don't do that, don't make me say it." Kendall let out a weary breath. "I broke the rules, didn't I?"

"Yes. But they were just our rules. It's not how the world really works. We were idiots to think it would be so easy."

"If you do this, I'm stuck here" whispered the blonde. "I don't know where to go."

"Anywhere you want to. Just not with me." Logan leaned forward and pressed his lips against the taller man's forehead. He didn't know if this was strong enough to forget, or if he even wanted to yet. The world out there was calling, but inside he couldn't help but feel a small wound open up somewhere across his heart, bleeding out the feelings he was supposed to have had all this time. This wasn't so much a goodbye as it was a death for the two of them. Finally, their sick little world had come to its inevitable destruction, dragging a little of them both down with it. They may pretend to forget it ever happened in the first place, but the scars would always herald them back to a time where passion ripped through them to consume them in its burning grasp, and remind them that it would never happen again. "I hate you too."

**So what did you guys think? Leave a review and let me know Till next time!**


	6. Chapter 6

**The Ice Prince Cometh**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, been a while since I came up with a one shot (don't hit me!), but campus has been very, VERY stressful. If any of you are doing engineering out there, I salute you, my fellow sleepless workers. To the rest of you, please consider yourself lucky that you will never know the horrors we go through. Anyways, I want to send out a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed and alerted the last chapter, you guys are awesome. I know she might not read this, but this particular story is dedicated to **kitaro**. Enjoy ;)

"You're fucking kidding me" I murmured, surveying him with every single bit of intensity I could muster. Every inch of him was so composed, from the frosty line of his lips to the neatly set locks of brown crowning his head. Only the mahogany circles staring back at me showed any trace of emotion behind his words, just the hint of regret to prove he didn't mean this. "I'm sorry Kendall" he said quietly, his gaze never once wavering towards me. I hated when he did this – sometimes I felt like he'd push me on purpose just to see how much I'd break down. Maybe he felt I had to compensate for his own lack of emotions, or it could all be some sick game he loved to play with me: stringing me along until I couldn't bear it anymore. I'm ashamed to say I loved it all, and now he was ending it.

"After six years, you just want to end it like this?" He shook his head slowly, finally relieving himself of me looming furiously over his desk. The thunderous growl in my voice bounced off the office walls, penetrating him right through that thick skull of his. This wasn't so much an office as it was his castle, his kingdom. Here was where all the Mitchell power sat, four generations of businessmen made their mark and bathed themselves in every possible form of ambition… and now it was his turn to do the same. "If I had a choice, you know that I would choose you" he whispered softly, averting his gaze to the computer monitor in front of him. My palms lifted themselves off the oak desk only to slam them right back down. "There wasn't any choice from the start, was there you son of a bitch?" I snarled menacingly, feeling my head spin in crimson swathes of wrath. "I was just some fucking piece of tail that was 'convenient' for you to use whenever you wanted."

"Never."

"Then prove it." My eyes started to sting with tears, hiding away my indifferent prince from their vision. Damn it, why was everything so hard when it came to him? There had to come a time when he realized that things weren't simply a case of black and white. No one, not even this great ice monarch, could live so objectively forever. "Leave this behind, or tell your family about us, I don't care which one. Just don't cut me out like this."

"How do I tell them that their only son is in love with another man?"

"Don't start these fucking games again!"

"You don't understand it Kendall, you never did." I narrowed my eyes angrily at him; focusing every dizzying bit of rage I had towards the eyes that couldn't bring themselves to meet mine. My chest heaved in forced blasts, but none of it broke through the wall he put up. This wasn't something new – whenever the rest of the world was against him, he cut himself off from everyone, as if he was saving them from his own pain. There was nothing great about man; he was just another groomed business school graduate who hid behind a pricy suit: so why did I fall head over heels for someone who couldn't even try to bring himself to care about anything?

"This place is all I have" he murmured, tracing a single finger down the length of the keyboard in front of him. "Ever since I was a kid, this is all I've known. All twenty five years of my life, they come down to this, and I wouldn't have it any other way. But I can't be selfish. If my family did find out about us…" He paused to close his eyes wearily. "It's better if we end it now."

"I thought you were better than this."

"They're my family Kendall!" The rough bark in his voice caught me off guard, forcing me to flinch backward in surprise. Once again, the swirls of cocoa were directed at me, but this time they sparked with equal parts of frustration and sadness. At the end of it all, it wasn't fair to him either, but I had to know. "I can't just walk back home and tell everyone I'm gay! This entire company, it's no longer a dream for me, this is real!"

"Logan-"

"I have responsibilities that I have to think about, and maybe its time you do the same." He turned his head away once more. "Look, I love you, and I wish I didn't have to do this. Just… please, move on."

"You know I can't do that. Not without you."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Not without you" I said curtly, lacing my tongue with the heavenly bitterness of whiskey. The divine ribbons of alcohol burned away at my throat, but I didn't care. This was part of my punishment, a sentence that I'd probably carry out for the rest of my life. There'd be others, but never one like him. I smirked cynically at the bartender, lazily swirling the heavy glass in my hand. "And that's all there was to it. I went in there seeing red… and came out of there like a lost fucking puppy."

"Love makes us do stupid things dude" said the bartender sagely, taking away my glass for a refill. I propped my head against my hand thoughtfully, watching the liquid gold lithely pour itself against the thick bottom. "Has anyone ever told you what an idiot you are Carlos?"

"It's more of a hit and miss kind of thing. Some nights, I'm a genius, some nights I'm a fool, and some nights I'm just a rockstar."

"See, you said 'us'. I have yet to see another person make themselves as big an ass as I have for this guy." I gratefully took my replenished glass back from the curious Latino, letting a nostalgic sigh filter through the air. "Everyone told me not to fall in love with him. You know, apart from the fact that he came from money and his family's filled with raging homophobes; there was the whole emotionally repressed thing. It took him four years to say 'I love you' and even that was just for the sake of it."

"So why do you love him?" There it was; the billion dollar question. I smiled sadly to myself. Six years on, and I still couldn't bring myself to answer it. "He was… he is powerful. I can't explain it, but there's something that just draws everyone to him."

"And you had to have him?"

"You don't have to make it sound so slutty." I took another burning mouthful of whiskey. "It was more of a mutual thing. Two hurricanes coming together and tearing each other apart."

"Don't you mean a hurricane and a blizzard?" I nodded slowly. "He's everything to me. I don't know how to let go."

"Then don't." I turned my head around to see my beloved gracefully take the seat next to me, jerking his head politely at Carlos. "Vodka, straight up please."

"Come to rub it in?" I asked bitterly, staring straight at my glass. I saw him break into a small grin out of the corner of my eye. "You'll be glad to know that as of this afternoon, I am no longer the head of Mitchell Incorporated." My head cricked sharply towards him, in perfect synch with the rampant thump of my heart. The benign smile he wore was so foreign on him, yet he looked utterly at peace. "What?"

"I resigned an hour after you left, and just for effect, I told my family that I'm in love you."

"Why?" He cocked his head innocently, still wearing that serene smirk. "Do you remember the first time that I told you how I really felt about you? You got pissed because I didn't mean it."

"You didn't."  
"I did. The thing was that you scared me. You still do." He leaned forward, letting his lips hover over my ear. "You can be anything you want to; you just have to think it up and it's yours. All I had was a bunch of stuffy conservatives and a company that was mine by default only. If I lost that, I wouldn't have anything else." I closed my hands and let out a rattled breath as I felt his hand slip tightly into my own. If he rejected me now, I'd be broken forever. "I didn't start dreaming until I met you" he murmured, sending shudders down my spine. "And I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner." He reached out and twisted my head around to face him, his eyes swimming like they never did before. This was a completely different person, but I loved him all the more for it. "My name is Logan" he said softly. "And it's taken me six years to realize this, but if I don't have you with me, then I don't want that life at all. I love you."

**Hope you guys liked that Please leave a review and let me know what you thought. Till next time!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Never Forget**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… or gotten a tweet from them… so sad…

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, what's up? I'm having a bit of a dry spell lately when it comes to these one shots, but then suddenly inspiration struck; I just had to write this! A huge thank you to everyone who reviewed and alerted the last chapter, I love you all. Please enjoy this one too!

**Number three: kiss a doctor in public**

"Logan, stop looking burying yourself in that fucking book!" The brunette slowly lifted his head to stare across at his companion, his bewildered eyes meeting the frustrated circles with a moving intensity. "What? I'm just writing in my diary."

"You know, I've been meaning to ask you something on that" said Camille curtly as she nursed her cup of coffee between her palms. "What the hell kind of doctor keeps a diary?"

"What the hell kind of actress is best friends with a doctor?"

"Hey, you know the plan!" hissed the actress angrily, flaring her cocoa irises with utter condemnation. The brunette recoiled into the back of his chair at the sight of the darkened scowl twisting around her lips. "Until I find someone who matches my fame; or some tragic, infertile rich bastard with two weeks to live; you and I are a couple, end of story!" Her grimace took a more sadistic tone as she gracefully placed herself back on the other side of the booth, surveying the quiet atmosphere of the café with predator-like hunger. "And FYI, when I dump you, it'll be here in front of every paparazzo in town, you'd do best to break down like your life just ended."

"Ever the thoughtful one, aren't you Camille? You're always thinking of ways to make me look more dignified in public" said the doctor flatly, rubbing his hand wearily through the forested spikes of his hair. Camille Roberts should have been nothing more than the girl who used to be his neighbor back home in Minnesota, a fleeting image of his past that had no place here in Los Angeles. Instead, some hopelessly sarcastic twist of fate had saddled her with him since his freshman year at medicine school and since then not a day had passed that she hadn't invaded his life in some sort of ungodly manner. Although Logan was fond of her, the only reason he tolerated her superficial presence was out of convenience – his hours at the hospital stifled his nonexistent social life to the point where the actress was the only one who could put up with his shifts, only because her working hours were equally distorted. In some twisted, cosmic way; the two of them suited each other perfectly, though the brunette continually prayed for patience to not strangle the actress every time she pulled a half baked idea from what she called a brain.

"So how's work in the hospital?" asked Camille, heralding the beginning of the one minute in every conversation that wasn't occupied by herself. The doctor shook his head, feeling his most recent shift's exhaustion steadily crawl its way into his bones. "We're low on O negative blood."

"That sounds… wait, I'm guessing bad right? You have to help me out here, I want to seem caring."

"We're sitting ducks without it" said Logan, narrowing his eyes to bemused slits as he slipped away his diary into the book bag next to him. God was clearly drunk the day he created Camille Roberts. "If there's some sort of huge accident, we won't be able to do blood transfusions." He cocked his head thoughtfully. "Wait, aren't you O negative?"

"No, I don't think I am anymore" said the actress sagely, taking a sip of her steaming caffeine. A pleasurable groan escaped her lips before she refocused her attention on the brunette. "I'm Q positive at the moment."

"Stop picking random letters" said Logan, trying his best to suppress a smile. He cleared his throat, rearranging his face to a vacant mask. "You're in perfect health, why can't you donate blood? You'd be doing something selfless."

"I don't like that term. It implies that there's 'less' of the 'self' and Camille Roberts doesn't give anything less than the full ninety-five percent." The doctor gave up a yearning sigh, feeling his head gradually give into the entropic inertia that spitefully circled it. "Well, I'd better pay for this, seeing that I am your boyfriend and what not."

"Some kind of boyfriend you are, I can't even climax at the thought of you! Every time you come into my head, I get this sudden urge to just die!" scoffed the actress histrionically. "This is so going in my interview with _People's Magazine_: 'Camille Roberts – clever, ambitious and sexually unsatisfied.' In short, the thinking man's sex symbol." Logan opened his mouth to retort, but wisely chose to shut it again. In the game of stupid, his adorable friend would always have the winning hand.

The brunette shuffled his feet over to the counter, adroitly pulling out his wallet. Two snaps of crisp ten dollar notes later, he stuffed the leather square back into his pocket with images of his bed already beckoning to drive home. "Excuse me?" The brunette looked up sharply, instantly finding himself gazing into two intense shards of jade. An impish grin swam into view, followed by the hint of two dimpled cheeks. Fine golden locks basked in the thick California sunlight, lining the enigma's face with the commanding aura of a god. The brunette stumbled back, feeling his hands grab the counter for dear life. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I think you can." The blonde swooped down to collide his lips against the doctor's, his tongue pushing past the smaller man's barrier of lips, melting them effortlessly. His hands gently fluttered down to the brunette's hips, slotting them perfectly against the bare slits of skins beneath the doctor's shirt, sending an illicit shudder down the smaller man's spine. Logan heard himself a lustful moan exit from somewhere in his throat before mustering up the last bit of strength he had in forming his hands to curled balls and shoving the blonde off from him. "Wha… what the fuck do you think you're doing?" he spluttered, arching his brows furiously. The blonde smirked incandescently. "You're not too bad, but you need to be a little more coordinated with your tongue." He reached behind his pocket and pulled out his phone, tapping away at it incessantly while he smilingly ignored the brunette's seething rage. "And I can cross off number three: kiss a doctor in public."

"What?" The blonde paused his fingers to flash another wounding grin. "Sorry, you're a little flustered right?"

"That's a huge fucking understatement!"

"Can I buy you a cup of coffee?" Logan stared at the man as if he'd gone mad. "Are you insane? Is there an asylum I need to call?"

"Funny thing, actually-"

"LOGAN!" The doctor turned his head at the sudden bark, watching on irately as Camille rose dramatically from her seat, her body quivering with unspeakable wrath. "How dare you cheat on me! And with a complete stranger who gives me shivers in all the right places!" The doctor turned back to the blonde, his chestnut eyes burning with an inexplicable rage. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

-xoxoxoxoxo-

_12 May 2012_

_Sometimes the idiots of the world (Camille included) really do confuse the crap out of me. I mean, who the hell are they to encroach on other people? Today, this total stranger comes up to me and starts molesting my lips in broad daylight. Actually, 'molesting' is putting it mildly – he practically stuck his tongue down my throat and then had the nerve to go and fiddle on his phone when he was done! I thank God every minute that I'm probably never going to see him again. I keep getting this awful migraine every time his face pops into my head, no matter how good a kisser he was. I think that all this time I've spent with Camille is starting to get to me or my life more specifically. I think I've entered the Twilight zone… where foolish things happen very often…_

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"So he just walked up to that counter and started making out with you?" Logan felt the hot tinge of crimson color his cheeks with embarrassment before slipping his head into a nod at the nurse seated in front of him. The sun was still well below the horizon, but the heat flushing through his face like quicksilver spoke of a surprisingly childish nagging that he couldn't seem to let go off. The Latino rounded his lips together in a mischievous whistle that forced the doctor to shudder irritably. "Yeah, that's not even the best part" he said lowly. "He wanted to buy me coffee afterwards."

"And you didn't say yes? Even after he ringed his tongue around that shower drain you call a mouth?"

"Not you too Carlos" groaned the brunette with shut eyes. He threw his hands up in the air, admitting his defeat. "Look, there are limits to what people can do in public!"

"Interesting… tell me, do you suffer from severe constipation with that stick all the way up your ass?" The doctor's eyes flew opened in alarm. "Did Mrs. Robinson in ICU take her meds?"

"Yes, I checked on it myself, she's responding well to the painkillers. You're changing the subject."

"Correct. I'm also quite tired; last night's shift was a killer."

"Do you really want to play this with me?" asked Carlos, feeling the beam on his lips grow with each passing second. The extremely proper Dr. Mitchell might have had all the smarts in the world, but he nothing more than a sweet, naïve child when it came to the emotional complexities of having to deal with other people. "There's nothing to play" said the doctor through gritted teeth, letting his knuckles go white as he gripped the corner of the table. "He's an asshole, end of story. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"

"I'm not making a deal out of anything. My face isn't the one blushing."

"I'm not blushing!"

"Right, keep telling yourself that" breathed the nurse gleefully. He flashed his teeth in playful grin. "I need to get going before your fake girlfriend shows."  
"She won't show this early." The Latino nodded his head as he stood up. "Look, I know that you believe that everyone has limits, and that everything in this world has its proper place. There's nothing wrong with that, but maybe you should look at this as a lesson. Open up for God's sakes, be spontaneous."

"I am spontaneous… just in very controlled doses."

"And you say Camille's the idiot."

The brunette watched the Latino exit the café, shaking his head in utter disbelief. "The nerve of that guy" he murmured, seeing swathes of red before his eyes. Of course everything had a proper place, that's how the world ran – on tried and tested structure. What would everything come to if everyone just walked up to each other for saliva swaps? There wasn't even the tiniest bit of him that didn't swoon for the sight of the enigmatic blonde or long for him to enter his life with passionate aplomb again. Still, Carlos did have a point – he had to let this go. It happened, there was nothing he could do to change it, and no amount of rage saved especially for him was going to change that. "Breathe in, breathe out… forget the dumbass."

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?" The brunette swiveled his head upwards at the sound of the blissful lilt, feeling his heart dislodge his itself from his chest down to his gut. There was no mistaking that emerald gaze, nor the knee-buckling smile being thrown at him. "You have got to be fucking kidding me" said the doctor softly; watching in amazement as the blonde graciously took up what had once been Carlos's seat. "We have got to stop meeting like this" he grinned, propping his hands lightly on the varnished surface, slamming down a thick folder against the wood. Logan rolled his eyes cynically. "Are you stalking me?"

"Conceited, aren't we?" he laughed, widening his smirk. He shook his head. "No, I come here when I can't sleep."

"Or when you feel like sexually harassing someone?"

"Hey, it was just a kiss. If that's your idea of sex, then clearly medical school isn't what it used to be." The brunette snapped back into his chair suspiciously. He felt his heart hammer away inside of him like a deformed drum. "How do you know I'm a doctor?"

"It's kind of obvious from the way you carry yourself. And I've seen you in the hospital doing your rounds."

"God, you really a stalker!" The taller man let out a soft snigger, strumming his fingers across the folder. "No, but you're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Jumping to conclusions, just like yesterday. You didn't give me a chance to explain." He leaned in closer; practically drinking in the sight of the brunette's bemused façade. He didn't think it initially, but there was something incredibly bewitching about the doctor's eyes, pools of luminous chocolate that radiated back into the world. It was a shame that he was so guarded, never once letting even a fragment of chaos come near his existence. "I kissed you so that I could finally cross off something on my bucket list."

"Bucket lists are for the dying."

"I am dying." The blonde went back into his seat before pushing the folder towards the doctor, his eyes sparkling with the same infuriating cheer he'd been wearing ever since they met. Raising his eyebrows, Logan flipped open the thick mass of pages, letting his eyes quickly scan the small printed words that leapt forth. "Inoperable brain tumor" he whispered, drawing his face into a slight frown. Once again, an embarrassed film of heat slathered itself across his face. He dropped his gaze onto the table, unable to meet the green glimmer across him. "I'm sorry."

"Now do you get it?" smiled the blonde. "When I'm gone, I don't want to have any of these 'regrets' people keep talking about these days." The brunette couldn't help but break out into a small smile. "That's still no reason for kissing a complete stranger."

"Life's too short to live by reason alone. I'd think a doctor of all people would know that." Logan acceded, finally pulling his eyes up to meet the taller man. "How much time do you have left?"

"About two months or so, which is why we shouldn't waste all this time on this crap." The blonde extended his hand across the table with the warmest grin he could muster, the jade in his eyes glowing zealously in the faint light of the early L.A. morning. "Hi I'm Kendall, and I really want to buy you that cup of coffee." For the first time in his assured existence, Logan Mitchell felt the ground shake beneath his feet… and he didn't seem to care at all.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

**Number one: watch the entire series of **_**Friends **_**in two days**

"_Sincerely yours, Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani_." The doctor looked over at the blonde, gifting him with a small curve of his lips. "Remind me why you're here in my house and not letting me sleep for the next two days?"

"Because you wouldn't come over to my place" said the blonde, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. "And you have a bigger TV." The brunette slunk his body back against the couch, returning his eyes to the rolling credits on screen. Clearly, he wasn't as stubborn as he thought he was – Kendall had waged a ceaseless onslaught of begs and pleas, all in varying tones of voice to start helping him with his bucket list. This was the end result: two of his three days off lost to the antics of six New Yorkers. Every fiber in his body screamed to drag the taller man out of his house by the ends of his hair, but there was something begrudgingly intriguing about this completely blithe stranger, something he couldn't quite put into full thought yet. The brunette had jotted the sudden rush of sympathy down to the fact that his newfound 'friend' only had two months to live, but the more time he circled around Kendall, the more he found himself being drawn into his nature, almost to the point where he looked forward to see the exuberant grin every day. "I've got to be careful" thought the smaller man, watching on blankly as the blonde switched the discs in the DVD player. "I can't get too attached here, he'll be gone soon." He looked down at the carpeted floor forlornly. "And all this will be gone as quickly as it came." As a doctor, he was used to having balance life and death in his job so skillfully, yet it was so damn perplexing that he couldn't do the same now. Somewhere along the line, his objectivity started to slip, and he feared that the rest of him would soon follow. He had read and reread over Kendall's file, consulted every medical textbook on his shelf, every neurological specialist he could think of, yet the prognosis would budge an inch. The risks of paralysis and loss of cognitive function were too great; and apparently Kendall had chosen the lesser of the evils – to die on his own terms, and face the rest of his days with complete abandon. "With me."

"Ready for the next disc?" The brunette picked his head up. "Are we ever going to sleep?"

"We will. Maybe like an hour or so at a time." Logan formed a slight frown. "You're sleeping here?" The blonde laughed quietly, stretching his hand and letting his thumb blitz across the remote. "Relax; I'll sleep on the couch. You won't be sexually harassed again."

"That wasn't what I was worried about" said the doctor softly, turning his head away. He bit his lip anxiously. "How come you're so OK with this?"

"With what?"

"All of it. Most people write a will, get their affairs in order. And here you are watching to see Rachel and Ross get back together again." He sighed wearily. "Don't you care?"

"What's death but the next great adventure?" asked the blonde as he lessened his grin. He turned away from the TV screen to face Logan, his eyes shimmering with a sudden emerald intensity. "I've spent a lot of money trying to get second opinions about this football in my brain. It drained a lot of my money, so I saved just enough to get me by comfortably for these last few months and fulfill my bucket list."

"And exactly how many things are in this bucket list of yours?"

"It started off as three hundred, but when I realized I had no chance of doing a rap with Jay-Z, I had to cut it down to my top five." The brunette raised his eyebrows expectantly. "Can you tell me what they are?"

"Well, you know two of them now. I'll tell you the rest some other time, I have a feeling you're going to be right there with me."

"And your family?" asked the doctor quietly, meeting the blonde's gaze with his own cocoa one. "Don't you want to do something with them?"

"It's only my mom and sister back home. I wanted to leave that place as soon as I found out. Just to do my own thing." Kendall crossed his fingers together solemnly against each other, lowering his eyes to his open palms. "I didn't want them to suffer anymore than they already had."

"They'll never see you again?" The taller man nodded. "They shouldn't have to see me die."

"But I should?" The blonde nodded his head, reclaiming his smile once more. "You're used to it." The brunette nodded, turning his head away to the TV screen. "But not like this" he thought darkly. "Never like this."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

_17__th__ May 2012_

_I think I'm going to win the Nobel Prize in medicine for discovering a new level of exhaustion. After two days of watching the ups and downs of six New Yorkers with only three hours of sleep, I'm way beyond tired. And yet I can't stop smiling for some reason... Look, I know I said he was a total tool before, but there's something about him. I don't know whether I feel this guilty because he's dying or because there genuinely is something intriguing about him. Either way, I can't get him out of my head, and I can feel myself smiling like I suffer from dementia. I really am curious to see what's next on his bucket list though, but something tells me that I'll regret it… somehow. I don't know where the hell this is going, but for now, it's enough to keep me happy; and get Carlos off my back at least. I just worry that the day will come when he'll have to leave. Even if we are just friends who made out like teenagers in a café, it might still hurt too much. Speaking of friends, I just got the mother load of voicemails on my phone from Camille. I'll call back… eventually… maybe like this time next year or so._

-xoxoxoxoxo-

**Number two: finally win a game of chess**

"Of all the things to put on that list, you want to win a game of chess?" said the brunette laughingly, looking on at his miniature white army with a confused delight. He shook his head as he instinctively made his first move, gently pushing a pawn forward with his finger. The blonde's soft chuckle filled his ears was a heavenly melody to his ears, sending a star struck bolt of adrenaline through his body. Kendall had reluctantly given him a week off to recover from the forty-eight hour DVD marathon. He looked up to see the taller man grin at him complacently, his complexion taking on a golden tinge in the unassuming evening light. "My mom and my sister are chess geniuses at this game. I never did manage to beat them, so I figured I'd be unscrupulous and pummel a rookie."

"So it's safe to say you didn't inherit the brains in the family?" Kendall shook his head, his evergreen smile still shining across his face as he picked up his knight piece and moved it in front of his pawn. "I think I might have been adopted. I'm the reigning Uno champion in Minnesota though."

"Well, I don't mean to trouble you, but you are looking at the former three-in-a-row victor of the California High School Chess Tournament" sighed the brunette with faux conceit. "You might not finish off that list after all."

"Damn it! Really?" The blonde clicked his tongue impatiently as he watched Logan bring out his rook from its isolation in the corner of the board. "Just my luck to go and escape the chess Einsteins back home only for me to come here to find another one!"

"You know, when you put it like that, maybe it's a good thing you don't have much time left."

The brunette pondered his next move in silence, finally deciding to claim the taller man's knight with his rook. "Can I ask you something personal?"

"Shoot."

"What are you going to do after you finish your bucket list? Where do you go from there?"

"To die" said the blonde, shrugging his shoulders carelessly as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. Logan returned his line of sight to the board, watching the taller man unleash his queen. "No, I mean after this, you've only got two things left to do. What happens-"

"If I finish it early? I told you, I'll die. I'm not going to drag this thing out until my last wheeze." The doctor shook his head somberly, shifting his rook forward into the vicinity of the black queen. "How can you say that so easily?"

"Because there is no other option for me. This is what my life amounted to." He smiled to himself as claimed the brunette's rook, his eyes glittering with the spoils of winning. "I've made my peace with it." He looked up at the smaller man. "What is it with you doctors and saving lives?"

"It's a calling" said Logan softly, moving his bishop across without as much as a thought. "We're supposed to do everything we can to help save our patients."

"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you Dr. Chess Champion, you can't save me." He pursed his lips together thoughtfully. "But I'm sick of talking about me. Tell me something about you."

"What do you want to know?"

"For starters, how did you end up so rigid and quiet? That's just not natural." Logan smiled sadly. "I grew up like that. My parents were firm believers that kids should be seen and not heard. I guess I never grew out of that."

"I'm going to risk this and say that your parents are absolute tools." Logan let out a small laugh. "Which is the reason why they only get one call a month. It doesn't matter anyway. As long as their son is living and is still a doctor, that's all they care about."

"Anyone special in your life?"

"I barely have enough time for you, where the hell am I going to go and find someone else?" The blonde threw the doctor a knowing smirk. "I don't know, a nurse told me you're dating Camille Roberts."

"I'll kill Carlos." Kendall cocked his head curiously. "Are you?"

"No. We're… it's complicated in a stupid kind of way."

"Her loss" whispered the blonde, setting his eyes on the brunette, feeling the affectionate fire quiver in his limpid irises. Logan felt his heart thud into overdrive. He reached his hand across the board and let his open palm cup the blonde's cheek. A shiver exploded into his body as he felt Kendall's lips gently drag themselves across a slip of skin, rendering him paralyzed in this one moment of instinct. "How about you cross this off your list?" he murmured, feeling the pangs of excitement leap around in his stomach. "I'll say you won if anyone asks."

"Why?" asked the taller man quietly. "What do you want to do?"

"This." Logan shoved the board onto the floor, spilling the pieces into a chaotic assembly. His body pulsed forward as his lips sparked across Kendall's mouth, forcing him to let out a low moan of pleasure. The blonde's hands travelled slowly up his side, sparking a passionate fire across body. He lifted his mouth to breath, pressing his forehead lightly against the swathe of golden skin beneath him. "Why is it that I can't get you out of my head?" he whispered softly, losing himself to the jade oceans of emotion staring back at him. Kendall blinked up vacantly. "I didn't know I was that attractive."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." The taller man stroked his thumb across the doctor's lips. "It's not everyday I get to be obsessed over by a handsome doctor."

"Tell me one thing." The brunette lowered his head. "Why do you have to go away?"

"Because that's just the way it is."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

_18__th__ May 2012_

_It was just a kiss. God, why did I have to go and do something stupid like that? Why am I falling so hard for him? He's dead in a couple of weeks, that's the hard truth, and yet I keep trying to save him. A week ago, I was so mad at this guy, and now I'm obsessing over him. I don't know anymore…_

-xoxoxoxoxo-

**Number four: spend a night in Vegas**

The brunette floundered pathetically on the bed, letting his eyes rove hopelessly across the fine detail of the ceiling. How Kendall was able to talk him into spending a night in Vegas of all things, but he would never know; but at this point he was powerless to stop it. Outside, the bright lights of Sin City pulsed beckoningly, but his head could not be swayed from what held it captive. Mere enthusiasm had somehow turned into a burning fanatic desire to clutch onto this passing stranger, and it infuriated him down to the deepest chasms of his soul that he didn't know why. This had gone way past sympathy, this was hard hitting emotion, swirling around inside his heart just waiting for the slightest tap to be released. "This has gone far out of control" murmured the doctor, feeling his head drown itself in pathetic runs of the blonde's face, his Labrador-like grin lighting up the darkest recesses of his mind. "He'll be gone soon, and everything will turn back to the way it was before he entered my life." He felt his heart give a painful twinge. He didn't know which was worse – that Kendall would soon be gone, or the fact that he didn't want him to leave. This was what it was truly like to love, a bittersweet pain that ran like heroin through the blood, leaving nothing left behind in its destructive wake. "I can't believed I kissed you."

"Me neither. But that doesn't mean I didn't like it." Logan lifted his head quickly to see the blonde leaning casually against the front door, his face completely expressionless. He walked over to the bed and gently placed himself beside the doctor's body, watching him through the green blaze of his irises. "But if this is too complicated for you, I get it."

"It's not that exactly" said the smaller man, propping himself up against the headboard. He shook his head away from the blonde's side, turning it instead to the steady streak of lights dancing away carelessly against the black velvet of the night. "Before I met you, my world was perfect."

"Gee, thanks." The brunette laughed softly. "Again, not in that kind of way. I just… I had everything figured out. And then you came along and flipped everything I took for granted."

"And that's bad because?" Logan slowly turned his eyes back on the blonde, feeling his heart race sickeningly in his chest. If this was surgery, he could do it with the scalpel held in his teeth for God's sakes, but laying out his feelings so openly for judgment? It was nothing short of superbly excruciating torture. "It's bad because I don't know how to go back to being the person that I was before I met you." Kendall leaned in closer, lightly brushing the brunette's fingers with his own. He tenderly ran his lips against the soft milky skin of the doctor's neck, feeling a hedonistic spark form out of nothing against the smaller man's body. "No one said you have to" he murmured, his breath clouding against the nape of the brunette's neck. Logan bit his lip anxiously. "If…" He cursed softly to correct himself. "I know I'm mad for saying this, but when you're gone, there'll be this gap in my life that I don't know how to fill."

"You'll find someone" said Kendall, wrapping his arm loosely against the doctor's waist. "I know you will."

"They won't be you. It won't be the same." The brunette's eyes met the blonde's with all the shimmering intensity it could handle, a world of swirling cocoa emotion barely contained by their owner. This was what it was like to crack, to lay down and surrender to defeat. The only way of dealing with this was going through it, no matter how hard it was… no matter how much his heart screamed out, this was his goodbye. "After tonight, there's just one thing left on your list. Then you're gone forever." He let out a small bitter breath. "This isn't fair."

"I'm sorry I can't give you more than this" whispered the taller man quietly. "If-"

"I know. But they're only 'ifs'." Logan's head gently rolled back, lightly connecting his forehead with Kendall's. "All I have with you is now. And even though its not enough, its something."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

**Number five: tell someone you love them**

The brunette watched the blonde stare deeply out of the window, feeling his heart explode into tiny shards that hurt whenever he drew breath. Having to sit back and watch the man who had steadily turned his life into every shade of emotion under the sun leave him forever… he might as well have eclipsed his own life as well. How could he go back to that banal existence he called a life when the enticing allure of love was just a touch away. "Love" thought the doctor despondently, never once taking his sight off of the taller man pacing towards him. "Is this what this is? Is this what so many people go mad for?" Sleep had evaded the two of them the entire night, but it was his heartbreak's cruel energy that coursed through his being now. He lost count of the hours he had just spent laying in Kendall's grip, hearing their soft breaths combine into a glorious symphony of melancholy, feeling his heart give way every time the blonde made contact with his bare skin. This wasn't fair, not after what he'd been through over these past few weeks. This couldn't end like this.

"Why didn't you?" asked the brunette quietly, cocking his head slightly at the blonde. Kendall frowned bewilderedly. "Why didn't I what?"

"Sleep with me last night." The taller man let out a weary sigh. "I wanted to."

"Then-"

"It would have made this too hard." The blonde slipped his hand into the brunette's and gave it a small squeeze. "Ever since I found out about the tumor, I've been living each day like it was my last. I've said my goodbyes to everything I knew and I was damn proud of it." He lowered his gaze to their connected fingers. "To me, it was kind of like a game; seeing whether I could keep it together when everyone else fell to pieces. You're the only one who ever made me reconsider that." Logan felt his heart begin to drum out an obstinate tattoo as he leaned forward. "Then why don't you?" he whispered, feeling his voice catch painfully in his throat. "Kendall-"

"I'm at war with myself Logan. Part of me wants to stay here, but I know that it will only make things worse if I do." The blonde smiled sadly as his hand untwined itself from the brunette's and reached over to cup his face. "Last night, just to know that you were that close to me and I couldn't do anything… it killed me."

"You can't leave like this. I swear to God, even I have to pin you down, you'll stay here."

"And that's the person I saw from behind all that fuss" murmured the blonde, losing himself in the cocoa pools in front of him. "That's why… I have to say this." The doctor held his breath solemnly in his chest, fighting off the acidic sting clouding his vision. If ever there was a moment he wanted to last forever, it was this one. The sweet pain was beyond what he could endure, and yet there was this serene bliss to it all. "This is the last thing on my list" said Kendall softly, lightly colliding his lips against the doctor's. "I don't think that there's anything on it that I've done better than this."

"Don't" whispered Logan shakily. "Don't you dare say it and then walk out of here like nothing happened."

"I love you." Logan shuddered against the taller man's body, feeling his chest tighten painfully. "Fuck you" he cried softly, resting his forehead against the blonde's shoulder. Kendall ran his hand down the brunette's back. "I love you."

"You expect me to just watch you walk away?"

"Yes." Logan pulled back his head to gaze at the burning green circles one last time, to feast upon the compassionate god in front of him once more before his heartache rocketed in marvelous crescendos. This would the hallmark he'd live his life by now, caught in some twilight between happiness and rage; and all because of some errant kiss. "I love you too."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

_6__th__ June 2012_

_Dear Kendall_

_Usually, I'd write something in this diary about how my day went or what I thought of it; but not anymore. This maybe a letter to you, but I'll keep right here in between the pages of my so called life to remind me that once upon a time I actually lived thanks to you._

_In the hospital, people keep calling me an angel because I saved their lives. I didn't understand the sentiment because it was my job, it's what I'm supposed to do. The day you left me in Vegas, that's when I finally got it. You can save someone else's life, but that doesn't mean that they'll live it the way you did yours. You saved me, and for that I'm forever grateful. Looking back in this diary, I can see how blind I was – my idiot from the café turned out to be someone I'll never forget._

_Everyday I keep finding little reminders of you. They're everywhere: in a child's smile, in the way a dog wags his tail… especially in that chess set you left at my place. Yes, you did win, I promise to keep that. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. There are some days when I just can't bring myself to face the world around me because I know there'll be signs of what we could have been. It wasn't fair that you came into my life for such a short time and sent my whole being spinning into this breathless infinity. That night you were going to say it, but I stopped you. If things were different, we could have created a whole new world for ourselves. It was too painful for to think of it then. It still is now: the only difference is that I'm a little wiser now._

_There isn't a day that goes by without thinking of you. I hope you're up there smiling down at what a fool you've turned me into, because I can't imagine it any other way. Maybe someday it'll hurt less and I'll find someone else to love like you wanted me to; but for now this pain is enough. I miss you so much, it kills me._

_I love you Kendall, I always will. You're just too incredible for me to forget… ever._

**Hope you guys liked that! Please leave a review and let me know what you thought! Till next time **


	8. Chapter 8

**The Human Condition**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters; these stories are just the perverted delusions of someone who leads a sad, lonely life… sigh…

**Author's Note:** Hey guys! Wow, a huge thank you and GIGANTIC hug to all of you who read, reviewed and alerted the last chapter, it really made this author smile! As always, I hope you all enjoy this just as much (maybe even more), so please sit back, enjoy the Kogan love and hit review!

The sounds of fraught scrambling filled the air with its desperation, irritably pulling me away from my state of comforting slumber to somewhere in between near deadly sarcasm and full on assassin annoyance. My eyes fluttered opened to their usual exasperation as I let out an inaudible curse for awakening, barely registering the six and two zeroes sitting innocently on my bedside clock. Early would only be a couple hours from now, this was like last call for the zombies to go back into their graves. Now normally, people tend to have mini heart attacks at the thought of a symphony of surreptitious sounds coming from their living room for fear of being murdered, or even worse, robbed; but I had come to familiarize myself with this ritual – it just so happened that it was my misfortune that this always happened on my day off from work. "Logan!" I called furiously, covering my head with the comforter in a futile attempt to fall back into my dreams. "Logan, how many times have I told you not to wake me up so early on my day off?" The incessant shuffling stopped, but I knew better. I could practically hear him think, literally trying to count the number of times that particular phrase had been flung out of my mouth. "Kendall, when you say how many times, what exactly do you mean?" came the innocently inquiring reply. My breath came in sharp blasts at his smartass reply. "Do you want statistics over the past week, or on a year-to-year basis?"

"And there goes my morning" I hissed through gritted teeth, hurling the comforter off my body. The morning air stung bitterly at my shirtless form, but my irritation knew no bounds. I should be better at handling this: it's not his fault for acting the way he does. It wasn't anyone's fault, but sometimes… just sometimes, it felt like God had made a fucking cosmic sitcom out of my life – and I wasn't the one who was laughing.

Within the space of twenty heated seconds, I made my way to the living room to find my roommate staring at me curiously with a cocked head, his eyes searching me intensely for some answer I couldn't give. "You're not wearing a shirt" he said quietly, contracting his forehead into a light frown. "You're supposed to be wearing a shirt."

"Logan, what is this obsession with you wanting me to wear shirts in the morning?" I sighed wearily, shifting my eyes towards the TV. The god of flatscreen entertainment flickered a dull blue on the AV channel, indicating that the DVD player had no disc inside. I returned my focus to the guilty party standing before me. "What were you watching?"

"You're supposed to have a shirt on" he mumbled absentmindedly, now fiddling with the folds in his pajama pants. I forced myself to suppress a laugh at the sight of a thick cotton Batman being comically folded around his leg. I did have to wonder why on Earth a man two years younger than me would choose to still wear superhero sleeping gear, but I guess it was a case of each to his own. "You can't be shirtless yet."

"Tell me what you were watching."

"Did you know that ninety-eight percent of all species that have ever existed on our planet are now extinct?"

"Logan-"

"Of course, two thirds of that percentage was wiped out with the dinosaurs, and the rest of those faded out because of evolution and human interference." I shook my head wearily, wishing that I could simply crawl back into my bed and forget this disruption ever happened. Logan always resorted to some mindless fact when he knew he was in trouble, and of late, I had heard everything from Einstein's sex life to the mythology of the Vikings. "Tell me what you were watching, or we don't go to the park tomorrow." I watched in pleasure as he arched his eyebrow in surprise. "You promised Kendall!" I had him right where I wanted him. "What was on the DVD player?"

His hand slowly lifted, extending his index finger gradually to point to the gleaming silver disc on the coffee table in between us. My heart immediately began to race, like it always did whenever I laid eyes on that piece of memorabilia. In my entire life, that disc documented the one day I would forever treasure. My life had mainly been a series of waiting periods, but that day… that day was nothing short of condensed ecstasy. "My wedding DVD?" My voice came out as soft choke, settling painfully in my throat rather than expelling itself out into the air. I hated how this one, fucking stupid piece of technology could induce untold thresholds of pain over me. "What were you watching that for?"

"Research" he murmured, gripping his forearm tightly. He shuffled anxiously on his feet as he averted his gaze, a pink tinge coloring his face. "Are you mad at me? Did I do something bad?"

"No."

"Will you send me away?" I felt my mouth thin into a solid line. He could really amp the sympathy card without even knowing it. "Don't be silly; of course not." I let out a slow breath, rubbing a hand through my disheveled locks. "Look, go brush your teeth OK? Katie's coming over for breakfast." He made his way over to me in nervous strides, bobbing his head in a series of nods. He stopped only to take in my stone expression, gazing at me deeply into my eyes with that same searching look. "I'm sorry Kendall" he whispered before taking off into the passage behind me. My ears heard his footsteps patter away into the bathroom, but I kept my head focused straight ahead out into the balcony in equal parts of shame and barely restrained bewilderment. This life – if anyone could call it a life – was starting to weaken me. I had had it all, and in one fell swoop, it was snatched right out of my reach. "You sure don't play fair" I murmured unconsciously, though I had completely given up on the hope that someone out there would hear my words.

I trudged over the TV, swiping at the buttons to turn it and the DVD player off, lest my beloved roommate got an urge to perform a little more 'research'. My eyes immediately landed on the small photo frame hidden behind the vast expanse of the screen. My chest twisted up into painful knots of air, sending sparks of heartache shooting through my body as I studied the captured moment with the bitter sting of tears just waiting to be released. The gleeful emerald stare of my immobile counterpart stared back up at me, laughing as the man next to him planted a kiss on his cheek. It really was like looking at completely different person, someone who had yet to know the cruel twists of fate life was capable of dishing out. Actually, fuck that – it was like looking into a different world altogether. This is why I kept this stupid picture hidden behind the TV, the one place I'd never bother myself to look: because it hurt too much to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night to the reason of why my life had escalated into divine bliss and then pummeled itself into the depths of hell. My breathing grew shallow as I drank in the other man. His eyes were screwed shut, but I still remembered their golden warmth, so welcoming like the purest sunbeam. His lips were curled into a smile as they gently collided into my cheek. "You always were the most happy-go-lucky idiot I ever met" I whispered hoarsely, feeling a tear burn itself down my cheek with morose splendor. "I miss you James."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"It's been far too long since I've had someone cook for me" yawned Katie, stretching her arms into the air like a deformed windmill. I watched her face return my quizzical glare, lazily slackening into an impassive slate. "You did promise Mom that you would take care of me when I moved to L.A."

"Yeah, and YOU promised Mom that you'd never need me and you just wanted everyone to get off your back so that you could live your life freely" I replied sardonically, pouring the conflagrating stream of rich, black coffee into our mugs. "Looks like we both screwed up, huh?"

"Hey, there is nothing wrong with needing a little help to get by now and then."

"Katie, you're here every week. You're way past the 'now and then' stage." My sister rolled her head back against the chair indifferently as I walked over to the kitchen to bring out the pan of scrambled eggs simmering patiently on the stove. If I really stopped to think about it, my sister and I were like ying and yang versions of the same person, the same obstinate personalities redone in varying shades of complexity. Our parents had always said that she tended to be the more lighthearted one; enthusiastic, determined and enough intelligence to ring circles around the common day idiot. I was the more skeptical elder son; intense and moody, but equally stubborn in whatever I wanted. It was hard growing up with another strong personality in the house: our home was a constant warzone with grenades of infuriated screams and insults being hurled around every passing moment. It would only take the slightest of breaths to set each other off, and we would automatically morph into assassins and aim for the other's throat. I remember my mother and father simply blocking us out and pretending that the finely honed chaos of their offspring didn't exist, but after I moved out from Minnesota to California, they didn't need to anymore. I'd get voicemails and text messages about how withdrawn my sister had become until I finally gave in like the big sap that I am and suggested she make the trek to the big city. Our liaisons had become slightly more civilized since then, though she never did fail to poke fun at something I loved. James had always said that the two of us would gladly stab the other through the ribs, but the thought of losing each other was more than we could handle. I'd always dismissed that as him being him, but there really was this beautifully synergetic truth to it all: Katie and I had gone from hatred to hatred with this heavy neediness attached to it. To put it simply, we were the most pathetic kind of parasites.

"So Dr. Knight, pray tell how goes work?" asked Katie, inattentively twirling a silken strand of auburn hair around her finger, her eyes fixed intently at the ceiling. I furrowed my forehead into a frown, carefully setting down the pan of sunshine-colored mass, liberally dotted with freckles of black pepper. "The usual" I heard myself say, swiveling my line of sight towards the huddled figure in my living room. I watched on bewilderedly as Logan stared unblinkingly at my laptop screen, isolating himself with adamant perfection from the company at the dining room table. "People get sick, I fix them. Nothing more to it."

"Don't flatter yourself, I didn't say there was" said my sister flatly, making sure the edge of mocking sarcasm wasn't wasted upon my ears. I returned my attention to her just in time to catch her steal a glance at Logan. "Speaking of which, is our Sheldon Cooper doing any better?"

"Katie, he's autistic, not suffering with the common cold. Would you stop being so insensitive?"

"That wasn't what I meant asshole!" she whispered angrily, flicking the stray lock of hair back into place to give me the full extent of her irritation. "I meant, how's he doing after the accident?" My heart began its familiar dance, beating out the song of an angst ridden lover spurned by the wheels of life itself. As a doctor, I fully understood the need for the full disclosure of pain, but ironically I could never bring myself to open up about my own wounds. The risk of falling apart and never picking up the pieces was too great. Besides I had someone else I had to be strong for now – indulging my injuries was something I could never afford to do. "He's fine" I said slowly, dishing out a healthy portion of eggs onto Katie's plate. I averted my gaze back to the pan, avoiding her wondering gaze. "And what about you?" she asked quietly, reaching over for her fork. My hands made quick work of filling Logan's plate, before claiming the final portion for myself. "I have my days" I said softly, hastily taking the seat next to her. "Logan, breakfast."

My roommate shuffled awkwardly into a presence exactly a minute later with my laptop tucked neatly within his grasp, nodding politely at Katie before turning to face me. "Can I skip breakfast?"

"Why?"

"I need more use of your laptop."

"Let me guess. Research?" Nodding fervently, he cocked his head to the side, giving me that same hunting look as this morning. What the hell was he looking for from me? I felt a cold shiver pass through my body, feeling his limpid cocoa eyes slice right down to my core, as if there was some sort of sign on me only he could see. Logan had always seen the world as an entire set of experiments, a series of interlocking facts just waiting to be unraveled. To him, I was nothing more than part of that hollow matrix, but he was part of the axis around which my world revolved. I could never rely on any emotion on his part, but there was this peculiar comfort in knowing that he was there, solid and unswerving, the little brother I had always wanted to replace Katie with. "Logan, please?" I said quietly, nearly hypnotizing myself against the mahogany irises. "Come on, you know I can't sit with Katie all alone."

"Yeah, this fork of mine might accidentally land in his neck all on its own without any help from me" replied Katie happily, smiling up at my roommate. Logan shook his head once more, all the while keeping his eyes fixed on me. "Only thirty percent of sibling rivalry actually results in bodily harm" he said monotonously. "The odds are in your favor." I let out a sigh, pushing his plate away from mine. "If I let you go, will you eat later?"

"Yes."

"Promise me or no park trip tomorrow." His eyes lit up excitedly, but his face registered no such expression. "I promise." With a final nod, he scurried off into the passage and away to his room, leaving my head spinning in with burning entropy. There was so much I wanted to ask him… and so much I knew he wasn't willing to tell.

"What kind of research is he doing?" asked Katie, gracefully slipping a forkful of egg into her mouth. My head snapped away from the passage and turned to face her. "I wish I knew."

"No hints?"

"He doesn't like it when I'm shirtless in the morning. Plus I caught him watching the wedding DVD" I said quietly, trailing my fork across the bright yellow expanse on my plate. "Your guess is as good as mine."

"Did you ever think that maybe he misses James as much as you do?"

"Why does everyone insist on circling around that?" I asked wrathfully, dropping my fork against my plate with a deafening clatter. "Do you think that my entire life-"

"I think your entire life stopped and you're not willing to start it again" said Katie calmly, gently laying down her fork beside her plate. She looked up stubbornly, neutralizing my brief anger into utter confusion. "You're waiting for someone who isn't coming back."

"I know that" I said softly, waiting for the heavy clouds of breath to lift themselves from my chest. "Talking about it didn't help when I waited for hours that night at the hospital. It didn't help on the day of his funeral, and it won't be any good now."

"You need to Kendall" said my sister, reaching across to take my hand into her own. I looked down firmly at my plate, afraid of breaking down into the infinite melancholy gnawing away at my heart. "Why?" I asked thickly. "So that I can break down?"

"Sometimes you need to break down. You can't explain it, you just need to." Katie shuffled her chair closer to mine, squeezing my hand sympathetically as she burned her gaze into the side of my head. "You know, a long time ago, I knew a doctor who took in a patient because he had no one else. A lot of people thought he was going off the deep end, me included. But he always used to say that he couldn't move on knowing that someone so special was being left to fend the cruel world alone. For the past six months, I've been wondering what happened to that doctor."

"He got lost" I whispered, fighting of the acidic mist stinging my eyes. "He got broken… and now there's no one to fix him. Not even himself."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

It should have all been so perfect: my head was on the pillow, my body was at the right angle and I'd even managed to down three glasses of warm milk before going to bed; and yet my body resiliently refused to obey my wish of simply escaping into the black recesses of a dreamless sleep. I found myself staring outside to a city that knew nothing of the breathlessness that kept fracturing me into malicious little shards of what I once was… what I should be like now. I felt a leaden exhalation heave my chest inward as I rolled my head to the side to escape the ceiling's uniformity. There was so much that I wanted to say, so much that I needed to put into words and let my inhibitions melt away; but I was fast realizing that it was a hell of a lot more difficult than Katie made it sound. Whatever I expected to gain out of our breakfast meeting, it certainly wasn't the piercing wisdom of her words today. Past my defensive arrogance, I had to grudgingly admit defeat in her hands. I really did put my life on pause to wait for someone that wasn't coming back under the pretense that I was moving on with my life. I had immersed myself so deeply in the small, in between moments of my life that the big ones kept utterly devastating me. They were becoming harder and harder to fight off, and the more I ignored it, the more complicated my world became. Logan's self-named 'research' would just be the tip of a very precarious iceberg – soon every single moment would herald some callback to James, and it didn't take my little Sheldon Cooper to figure out that it was only a matter of time until I was barely able to function emotionally. The untainted slivers of moonlight grew hazy under my watch, hidden behind the thin film of tears I had become so fucking annoyed with. "If you were here, you'd make this all go away" I murmured, gripping at the comforter that lay on my body. "But you're not, so I'm stuck in this hell." I shook my head wistfully, capturing my bottom lip in between my teeth. Hell was far too good a word for this. Was I truly beyond repair? Could no one save me from the swirling highs of depression inside of me, or had losing my one true love rendered me as something below human? "What do I do James?" I choked hoarsely, feeling my chest burn in all of its glorious melancholy. "Where do I go from here?"

"Kendall?" My body bolted upright at the soft call of my name to see Logan's slight figure loom uncertainly in the doorway. As if by instinct, my hand lifted itself to wipe away my barely fallen tears, erasing all proof that they ever existed. He didn't need to see me like this. I was supposed to be the strong one here, sworn to protect him from all I could. "What's the matter Logan?"

"I'm done with my research."

"That's great buddy" I said, my eyes barely making him out in the thick velvet of the darkness. "But shouldn't you be asleep? You can tell me all about it in the morning." The indistinct steps of his feet against the carpet pricked my ears into sudden alertness until I felt the side of the mattress yield to my side as he clambered up next to me. The faint light of the room fell across his milky skin like dewdrops on silk. My eyes roamed across his form bemusedly, but my lips couldn't help but curl into a smirk. "Who's shirtless now?"

"The website said the best time was exactly at midnight. We have approximately thirty seconds until then" he said, staring straight at me with those limpid eyes. I couldn't take it anymore. "What website?" I asked, my voice cutting a fine balance between tender and firm. "What have you been getting up to?"

"For the sake of introduction, my research has been based on the purpose of trying to make you feel better."

"Logan, I'm fine-"

"Fifteen seconds left" he whispered, gripping my wrist urgently. "I think you have time for one more question." I scoffed in awe, wracking my head through the waves of sadness it held onto for dear life for some possible reason to explain my roommate's behavior. From what I could make out, his expression gave away no clues, set in its deadly seriousness. "Logan, what are you doing?" I asked quietly as I halfheartedly tried to free my hand from his grip. I felt him lean in closer until his forehead gently rubbed across mine, his breath intermingling with my own in hedonistic clouds of warmth. His scent drew up thick notes of lavender, probably from the soap in his bathroom. "It's midnight" he whispered before capturing my lips with his own. Like liquid satin, they slipped across my mouth, halting the defense of my stolen words and clouding up my psyche with every form of confusion possible. His tongue ran illicitly against my wall of lips, slyly making its way into my mouth with the most clinical purposes of lust in mind. His hold on my wrist grew tighter, his fingers cutting right into my skin. Somewhere, a throaty moan escaped into our lock of lips, enticed by the sweet taste of his tongue running across the moist insides of my mouth. Sensing my need for air, he pulled back, studying with curiosity hinted with the tiniest flare of concern. The intensity in his eyes mellowed to a rough semblance of sympathy, their warm chestnut sparkling within the white cuts of moonbeams. "Are you OK?"

"What the-"

"The website did say that some men don't respond to kissing" he murmured thoughtfully. "Maybe this would be better."

Either he showed a surprising burst of agility or my head was reduced to mere butterflies of incoherence, but in either case Logan lifted his body up and straddled himself across my hips. "Logan, stop this please" I said imploringly, feeling my head finally exhaust itself of reason. Ignoring my plea, my roommate rearranged himself until his body was parallel to mine, inciting the skin across my collar bone with a quick flick of his tongue. My body arched unwillingly, accidentally grinding our crotches together through the flimsy layers of my boxers and his pajama bottoms. Logan let out a guttural groan from his throat as he made his way down south, alighting my skin with affectionate licks and kisses. My head lolled helplessly to the side as my eyes screwed themselves shut, trying desperately to form some king of resistance to this passionate onslaught. This was too refined to be completely random, I could tell. My body was betraying me and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop it. A forceful tug at my boxers partially skewed them out of place against my thighs. I was scared to look down, afraid of what I might see if dared open my eyes. Logan wrapped his hand around my thickening erection, his touch sending electricity sparking across my body, forcing me to gasp in pathetic whimpers. His fingers were like flower petals against my rampantly growing lust; touching me to test me, break me so that I really was the fucked mess I thought I was. His thumb rubbed across the head, robbing me of the air stowed away in my lungs. "Logan, don't" I muttered weakly, struggling to fight him off. A second later, I felt the warmth of his mouth engulf the head as his tongue took tentative licks of my erection, shooting my eyes back open to the ceiling. With a primal roar, I pulled his head up towards my own, my eyes blazing with in infernos of sea green. This couldn't happen; I couldn't let someone else touch me. I wouldn't. "Get back to bed" I snarled, this time giving him my own fiery glare. "And don't you ever fucking try anything like this again!" His eyes grew wide, perfect circles of fear. "Kendall-"

"NOW!" My iron grip released the back of his head, causing him to stumble off the mattress. As he scrambled away, I turned my head to the side, feeling the tendrils of shame coat my sadness. This would never end, I knew that now. I was a prisoner of both fate and myself, and there was no way out. "Fuck."

-xoxoxoxoxoxo-

"_Go ahead Logan, what do you want to say to Kendall on his wedding day?_" The scathes of sunlight had barely broken over the horizon, but I was too wound up to even notice what time of day it was. Not a single pulse of adrenaline ran through my blood, but the fear of falling asleep kept me sharply focused on the screen ahead of me. I had placed the DVD on replay ever since Logan had returned to his room, and eight times later I was just as confused as when I started. My heartache had gone beyond the realm of human capability, placing my body into a malicious limbo where not a single feeling struck full through my head. I was actually thankful for it – I wouldn't have been able to watch all of this if I was capable of human emotion at this point, though I highly doubted I could get much worse. I was Humpty fucking Dumpty at this point, minus all the king's horses and men to piece me back together. I blinked several times at the TV screen, watching as James smilingly wrapped his arm around a camera shy Logan as if to assure him. "_You guys know how you always talk about love?_"

"_Yeah._"

"_Well, scientifically speaking, its just biochemical reactions occurring within in between the brain's neurons and cortexes. But I hope it lasts forever for you guys_."

"_Aw, how sweet! We biochemical reaction you too pal!_" exclaimed James animatedly, pulling my roommate into a bear hug that nearly turned the shorter man blue in the face. A brief smirk came to my lips before evaporating, forcing me to fast forward to the next scene. Logan was always highly aggressive when it came to his personal space, only allowing me to invade it, and that too had to be for a maximum of ten minutes at the most. He must have been feeling pretty welcoming that day to let my husband hug him like that. Fuck, he must have been feeling pretty special to pull every sexually entrapping trick out of the book last night. I kept my focus ahead on the screen, watching our reception play out before my eyes. James and I were cutting the cake that Mom had harassed the local bakery for, grins plastered to our faces like the carefree idiots we were. He leaned over to the side to whisper something in my ear. I couldn't even remember what that was now. It could have been anything from 'I love you' to 'this cake looks dodgy'. I kept rewinding to that exact moment in attempt to read his lips, but it was futile. What he said to me was already lost, just like he was. My hand grabbed the remote on the table and switched the TV off as I screamed at myself in my mind using every curse I knew for forgetting those insignificant words whispered so lovingly to me. I was already forgetting the small bits of him that made him mine, and in the process, starting to lose myself.

It was a full three minutes before I finally blinked once more at the black screen ahead of me, hoping that it would come to life and give me the solutions to all my problems. How was it that I could repair the most battered of survivors at the hospital, and yet be at such a loss when it came to my own life? I had watched this DVD over and over again, and I couldn't bring myself to see what Logan had. "_My research has been based on the purpose of trying to make you feel better._" Had I been that obvious? Of course, I had become more subdued after the funeral, but I never gave a thought that he could pick up on that… imagine, all of that churning around in his head and he didn't say a word. Then again, I couldn't judge. The world had become my enemy, and I sure as hell wasn't willing to let even the people I trusted the most become burdened with my own frustrations. I dropped my eyes morosely to my feet as I pulled them up to the couch. I could still feel him on top of me, his hands pinning my own to the bed to force me to feel at least lust if not anything else. No one had touched me since James, and I wasn't sure anyone could. How could I just expect myself to forget that at one stage I actually had a soul mate? Not just like in the fairytale crap, but someone who fitted into my life so perfectly that they took away everything when they left? "Because there is no expectation" I thought darkly, feeling the fatigue of the past six months traverse its way across my being. "Just like there was no expectation of losing him in the first place." I smiled sadly to myself. "Or take in someone who lost everything because they couldn't fight against the world."

"Kendall?" My head slowly turned to the side to see Logan stand next to the couch, his eyes fixated on anything but my own. His backpack was strapped symmetrically across both his shoulders, weighed down by the sheer volume of contents it held. "What's in the bag?" I asked quietly, trying to make eye contact with him. He shuffled his feet anxiously. "Necessary clothes, food items and your credit card."

"You know its theft if you take it without asking, right?"

"But I just told you." I snorted derisively to ease his tensions, but to no avail. "Where are you going?"

"I have a cousin in Seattle I can stay with."

"Yeah, I bet they'll just love you there." He nodded vaguely, indicating my go-to sarcasm was wasted. No doubt last night was a turning point for him too. I'd always regarded him as too flat to even think about having sex, not because he couldn't, but because I thought there were so many other things that went on in that supercomputer of a brain. We were both tied to this, bound together by our weak semblance of emotions. The time to stop pretending had come, no matter how much it hurt to give into the truth. "Before you go, can you sit next to me so that we can talk?" He lifted his head up gradually, staring at me like a wary rabbit. I pressed further, reaching out my hand to his and holding like glass. "Please." Another nod trembled his head before he let go, wandering across the couch to the other side of me, his backpack still attached to his shoulders with absurd perfection. He placed his line of sight straight ahead at the blank television set, stealing the occasional glance at my face. "I'm not upset at you Logan" I murmured, searching out his fingers once more. His body tensed as soon as I made contact so I limited myself to the naked touch of our fingertips. I angled my body to face him, meeting his eyes at last. The undressed brown was still as entrancing as ever. "You're not?"

"I'm just confused. Last night… why did you do that?"

"You miss James don't you?" I nodded silently as a painful lump made its presence known in my throat. He swiveled his head uncomfortably. "I thought that if I did that… that maybe you wouldn't feel so bad. I see I failed."

"Logan, I appreciate the sentiment" I mumbled thickly, growing bolder and slipping my fingers in between his. "But that… that's not our kind of relationship. It can't be."

"You miss him?" I nodded my head with a melancholic grin. "More than anything."

"I miss him too. He was a good man." Tilting his head like a puppy, my roommate leaned forward and wrapped his free arm around my shoulder, pulling me into a loose embrace. My body froze into a rigid stick from the shock, but slowly shuddered against his steady form. To think, twenty four hours ago, my biggest problem was waking up early. Katie was right, I had to break down to move on – to hit rock bottom and realize that there was life after all beyond the pain. As I sat there encapsulated by his body, the tears I had waited so long to release finally came. No chokes, no cries; just the soothing cleansing of accepting this hurt and starting to live for myself instead of someone long gone. It wasn't complete or even perfect for that matter, but it was something: hope for the future. "Kendall?" said Logan quietly, slotting his head against my shoulder. I buried myself into the nook of his neck. "Yeah?"

"I love you." I laughed shakily against the soft skin, bringing my hand across the nape of his neck. "I biochemical reaction you too."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Do you like your ice-cream?" The thick plates of sunbeam fell angelically across the rolling emerald fields of the park, heating up the air to freeing, wild breeze. I turned in time to see my roommate take a lick of his chocolate and vanilla swirl cone, nodding enthusiastically to show his agreement. I chuckled softly, returning my head to the scene before me: two kids lost utterly in clouds of laughter as they chased each other around the trees; the thick foliages witness to their blissful hearts. I sent out a mental prayer of thanks to my sister, amusing myself at how these two would turn into younger versions of me and my sister given enough time to steep their personalities.

"Do you think that maybe you could find another James?" asked Logan, gently prodding at my shoulder with his finger. I shook my head with another laugh to myself. "I don't think there'll ever be another James out there."

"Statistics show that there are at least four people for every combination of characteristics, so actually there is."

"OK, I'll rephrase that: I'm not going to look for another James. The one I had was more than enough."

"So you're not going out there to date? Or bring anonymous men home for sex? I believe the website called it a one night stand."

"Exactly what website were you looking at?" I asked, a mock frown appearing on my expression. My face immediately lightened at his look of shock, my smile reassuring him of my joke. "I don't think that I'm ready yet."

"So what are you going to do in the meantime?"

"Spend time with you like I've always done. I asked the hospital for a couple of weeks off." Logan ceased his oral assault on his ice-cream long enough to shoot me a questioning gaze. "Could you be more specific please?"

"OK, three. I took three weeks off and I thought that we could go on vacation."

"Where to?" I threw him an impish smirk and moved closer to him, lowering my head to his ear. "Cancun."

"We'll need sunblock." I withdrew my head from his vicinity and turned my attention back to the vast green expanse of my roommate's kingdom. "Yes we will."

"Why did you do that?" My hand sought out his, rubbing our palms together as our fingers snaked themselves together affectionately. "Because I realized that all the sadness in the world isn't going to bring him back. And you, for all your 'research'… you really helped me see that." I turned to face the rock that had kept me steady, my rescuer from the blackened fingers of sorrow without even realizing it. "I can't love you like I loved James. But that doesn't mean I don't love you."

"Biochemical reactions that last forever" he whispered, returning the grip on my hand. Where others saw difference in him, I saw unparalleled innocence and beauty, enough to light up the darkest of hours… and suddenly, my world was that much brighter.

**So guys, what did you think? I hope you liked it! Till next time, stay safe, keep calm and Kogan on!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Immortality**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… hey, is someone keeping count of how many times I say this?

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, what's up? I hope you all have been well. I would like to thank everyone who reviewed and alerted the last chapter as well as added it to their favorites; you know how much I love you all and think you guys are awesome! I honestly don't know what I would do if I had never found this site… hey **Knightales**, what would we do if we never found this site? Anyways, this is the next chapter, please enjoy and let me know what you thought!

Just because I'm here right now doesn't mean I'm alive… in the same sense, it doesn't mean that I'm a part of their story, or anyone else's for that matter. I've transcended beyond the simple terms of life and death. Admittedly, it's not something I want to do for the rest of eternity, but I've made my peace with it by finding these small consolation prizes. It's not that I'm being condescending about the entire situation: they're such exquisite creatures, so beautifully caught up in their own little naïve worlds that they blind themselves to how small they actually are. It never ceases to amaze me that I've been at this ever since time began, and never have I ever seen a race so colorfully rendered in all the lovely hues of emotion quite like this particular species. I've presided over the births of galaxies and nursed them until their last dying breaths, but they don't even come close to the intoxicating addiction of a human life. So wonderfully oblivious to the real truths of the universe, so marvelously offbeat with their so called sciences – they think they can unravel the secrets of creation with mere persistence, and yet they don't know that it's the small things that makes immortals like me treasure them so much. It's the beginning of a smile or the trickle of a forlorn tear and everything in between that makes me an avid watcher over them… waiting for their tales to finally end, but they never truly do. Magnificent crescendos of feelings like those, they last forever, even when there's no one to remember them for they are destined to be reborn in another time… the same fantastic scene, just with different people. In this respect, I can never touch them. My job is only to usher them without leaving a mark on this world, softly stealing away their sense of time to the next plane of existence. I can only hang my head in shame to their timelessness, and pray they know that I am the ultimate truth.

I watched the brunette man press his forehead to the window solemnly, seeing the clinical cocoa hollow of his eyes follow the myriad of raindrops gently slip themselves off the glass down into the city below. His face doesn't allow an inch of emotion to wander across it, firmly keeping his skin into a neutrally taut mask. His left hand hung loosely at his side while his right tenderly pressed itself up against the sheet of coolness, his fingers tracing random cascades with the utmost attention. He's broken in the most striking of ways, his melancholy painted across his soul with powerfully blackened streaks. There's a delicious hint of guilt inside him somewhere, sparkling inside of him like the air he breathed. Every action of his, even the tiniest of movements, speaks of eons of heartache inherited from generations before. He's not the first to walk through this maddeningly miasma of feelings, and he certainly won't be the last. In the ten thousand years or so that I've watched over human, I've had to master the art of peering into their souls, trying to see the vast mysteries of the cosmos through their lavishly restricted sight. It's not as easy as one might think, considering these pets don't come with a 'how to' manual, but it makes my occupation that much more precious, elevating my status to a keeper of their memories and secrets they could never bear to tell. My current obsession didn't know it yet, but there's a reason I'm watching him so intently right now: none of the lives I'd seen play out before had touched me quite like this. His story coerced me to invisibly entangle myself, to leave my lofty perch of indifference and watch every single day of his life screamingly give into the next one. He knows his days are numbered, and on the last one, I'll have the delightful privilege to personally thank him for being the one person on Earth that has thoroughly bewitched Death himself.

"Logan?" My head turns at the same as the brunette's to see a tall blonde stand at the other end of the room, his emerald eyes hauntingly staring at the smaller man with all the dripping concern they could muster. His feet took quick strides across the floor, walking right through me to reach the other man, his lithe body flexing his worry with every step. Logan turned his eyes back to the rain, watching the heavenly tears fall from their thrones in the velvety darkness of the clouds. "Go back to bed Kendall" he said softly, his voice just a tired whisper of what it should have been. The blonde leant down to affectionately press his forehead against the nape of the smaller man's neck, his hands tenderly wrapping themselves across the waist in front of him. "Come back."

"I can't sleep." Kendall chuckled quietly, his lips dragging themselves across the silken milky-clad skin, his mere touch enough to induce a pleasurable earthquake down the brunette's body. I cocked my head curiously as I moved forward to get a closer look, fascinated by these two creatures. I never quite understood the concept of love, in any of it forms. To me, it seemed like such a flaw in the grand design of things – an emotional bond that bound beings to others or objects. Why was it necessary for people to find another when the basic instinct of survival dictates that you look out for yourself first and foremost? From what I had gathered, this abstract ideal of emotional nirvana drove every single action on earth. Lust, war, greed, kindness, virtue – I had counted them all through the centuries, and it all came down to singularity that was younger than time, but could be every bit as ruthless. It rendered even the coldest of hearts naked, breathless in their want for more. Yes, it stood alongside me as an equal: love and I were the king breakers of the universe, seeing neither status nor heart, but afflicted upon all just the same.

"You know that's not what I meant" murmured the blonde, pulling my attention away from the one mystery I couldn't solve. His grip grew slightly tighter around Logan's hips, pulling the brunette closer to his body. The smaller man turned his head away, his face breaking briefly in the pangs of shame. My lips parted bemusedly, sinking in every detail of the two lovers. "Let go of me" pleaded the brunette flatly, his head pressing forward against the window. Kendall drew his head back, but his hold remained as steadfast as ever. "Tough luck."

"You're a fucking asshole." The blonde hardly flinched at the curse, instead opting to arch his brow with mild surprise. His bee-stung lips thinned out, his fingers carving themselves lightly against the patch of bare skin against the smaller man's hips. "Talk to me baby boy."

"There's nothing to talk to about."

"Logan-"

"No, don't 'Logan' me Kendall. You know damn why I can't sleep, and yet you're still asking the same stupid question for the past week!" Logan shook his head willfully; bringing his own hands down to the blonde's to break his loving prison as he turned around to the soft imploring of the emerald gaze in front of him. "How can you pretend that nothing happened?"

"I told you already, it's not the end of the world."

"I cheated on you" said Logan plainly, his voice clipped of any feeling whatsoever. I looked on passionately, entranced by every word exchanged. It was ridiculously easy to get involved in mini dramas such as these – the hard part was disengaging from it all. "I slept with another man because things got too difficult between us and now I'm HIV positive. How can you accept that?"

"How many times do I have to tell you I forgive you?" said the blonde, leaning forward for a kiss. The brunette lifted his hand to push back Kendall's face, his expression reverting back to its uniform blankness. "Forgiveness is something you do when you dent a car, not something like this. And tomorrow..." He exhaled a small cloud of air. "It feels like you're pretending this isn't affecting us."

"You don't want tomorrow to happen?"

"A baby doesn't fix what happened between us." Logan dropped his gaze to the floor, pressing the top of his head into the taller man's torso. I let out a sympathetic sigh that could only reach my ears as I circled around the two of them, wondering if I could ever detach from this… or I ever wanted to. Like glass, they shone together in the vague flashes of city light, their flaws bared for me to see. I shook my head smilingly, posting my hands behind my back. So this was love.

"You're right, it doesn't change anything" said the blonde quietly, pulling his partner into his embrace. "But if we stay here in this dark place, nothing good's going to come out of it. You know that, right?"

"Yeah" whispered Logan thickly. It didn't take God to see that he wanted to break down, but his grief was too heavy for simple tears to contain. "I'm so sorry Kendall. If I could-"

"I love you babe. That's all that matters." The taller man pulled Logan closer to him, impressing his lips against the brunette's forehead, reminding me over and over again that in an entire universe full of planets, I had cherished this against my better judgment. "That's all we need to know."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Hospitals, I had found, were inexplicably mundane places; I could never quite put my finger on it. Although this was more of an elite clinic based on the tiny cluster of people sitting in the foyer, the same opinion still applied. I guess it had something to do with the fact that most of my business was conducted around here, so I naturally yearned for something a little more beyond the cold scope of flatlining and blood spillage. Being around forever, I couldn't allow myself to get bored with my designated task – who would take over if I suddenly wanted a vacation out of the blue? Who would be there at that crucial pulse in time to welcome someone into the next big adventure awaiting them, assuring them that everything would be alright? Yes, it can be an extremely thankless job. People can never see me until they need to, but I'm feared on every step of land and sea that I set across. I'm made to be something to be feared, when really there is nothing more beautiful than the sweet embrace of death. Besides, I always do my best to be polite: after all, leaving behind the existence you've led for so long to chart off into the very heart and enigma of creation can seem a bit daunting. I always find the 'screamers', the ones who cling on to the very edge of life without any intention of letting go. They're unnecessarily stubborn, so I have to be a bit more… I suppose persuasive would be a good word to use here. Still, I love them all. I've quickly came to learn that there's not much else I can do when it comes right down to them.

"So we're just waiting for a room to be sterilized and free" said the cheerful redhead, taking in the near petrified faces of my favorite couple. "And not to worry, there is a huge range of material to choose from once you're back there!"

"Yeah, thanks" said Kendall uncertainly, playing a weak smile on his lips. I grinned to myself as I walked around their seats, watching the jovial nurse head back to the behind the reception counter. My head turned to face the couple again, taking a slightly sadistic pleasure out of their awkwardness. I must admit that I've never seen why sexuality was covered underneath the strict glare of human society. There's never been anything taboo about it; just the fragile, ravishing extension of what already lay in the heart. Good on that nurse for saying that they have a huge stash of porn to be enjoyed!

"I wonder what she meant by 'huge range'" said the blonde faintly, a mild pink tinge creeping up the hollow of his cheeks. He turned to his partner, but the brunette stared out resolutely ahead, his eyes boring into the empty hollow of nothingness. Sighing wearily to himself, Kendall reached over and adoringly intertwined his fingers against the smaller man's, feeling Logan's hand grow limp in his hand. "Could you at least try to be happy?"

"What for?" asked the brunette slowly, wearily cocking his head to the side. "The fact that they probably have every single porn title back there? Do me a favor, don't choose anything with a threesome in it."

"Logan, I'm begging you, please. For God's sake, don't ruin this for us."

"Us? You really think this has something to do with only us?" asked the smaller man incredulously, pulling his fingers away to his own vicinity. He fixed his line of sight onto the blonde, his eyes forming perfect orbits of mahogany. "We're about to bring a kid into the world as a band-aid for what's wrong between us."

"There's nothing wrong with us."

"Yeah, you're right Kendall; we make the perfect fucking couple. Tell me again, why can't we have sex like we used to?" The taller man didn't let a word escape his mouth, preferring instead to grit his teeth at his partner's nodding head. I could see his eyes ablaze with green passion, a wrath he was trying so desperately to kill. Why would he do all of this when the one person he treasured seemed so very against it?

My eyes flew onto Logan stamping himself up out of his seat, rounding on the blonde with that same expression. "You were right last night" he whispered venomously, his voice firing up Kendall's green stare even more. "I don't what today to happen, not when there are a million goddamn things lying between us that we're just too scared to say."

"Logan-"

"Don't bother. It's too late now."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"What the hell is the matter with you?" growled Kendall irately, causing the air to shudder with a loud slam of the door behind him. I had followed the two of them back to the apartment, having a peculiar sense of déjà vu. The two of them had resumed the exact same positions last night, except this time with an inferno blazing between them. My head swiveled equally between them, carefully taking in the barely restrained anger smarting across their expressions. This was the other side of love; the dark storm that drove saccharine affection into fatal obsessions. I had seen this too in my time, reaping the souls of the countless lovers who fallen in the name of someone else, all because they believed that they could transcend beyond anything. Admirable, but very, VERY wrong. Even if I didn't want to admit it, no one could escape once their time had come.

"Do you want us to be unhappy?" asked the blonde furiously, the snarl in his voice snapping through the atmosphere. He powered his way over to the window, blatantly revealing his rage for the first time to the brunette. His hands curled up into shaking fists, taken up the sear of his madness. "You want me to get pissed, you got it, BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING A FUCKING GOOD JOB OF GETTING ME THERE RIGHT ABOUT NOW!"

"Why can't you understand anything that's happening?" shouted Logan, matching the taller man's menace with every bit of anger he could muster. "You want to know why I can't do this? It's because of you! You're what's wrong with me, and this fucked up mess we're in!" The brunette quivered on his last sentence, his voice growing thicker with sadness. I looked into his eyes, finally noticing the tears that he had waited so long to come. How beautiful they were, framed by the warmth of cocoa, enough to temporarily quell his lover into silence. It amazed me how betraying emotions could be, always twisting and turning into new directions. Finally, one half of this set stone had broken down completely, waiting to be reborn… waiting for the venture that would birth him into eternity.

"When I told you about what I had done, you didn't say anything" said the brunette, two identical trails of tears now blazing down his cheek. "You didn't do anything, you just said that we'd get through this together. How can you forgive me after what I've done to you?"

"Haven't I told you before?" said Kendall quietly, the wrath slowly evaporating from his body. His arms instantly pulled the smaller man towards him, feeling his body grow rigid at his touch. Ever persistent, he hurled Logan against him, feeling the brunette slam into his chest, gradually giving into his hug. "I love you baby boy, more than anything. Why do you think I want us to do this?"

"I can't Kendall" murmured Logan softly. He softly turned his face into the blonde's torso, trembling against the force of his sobs. He didn't need to say why – starting a family would remind him each and every day of how strong Kendall was to forgive his mistake, and how weak he was to have made it in the first place. In the face of so much courage, how could he not cower away into his insecurity?

"Babe, do you ever think that I want us to start this whole new life because I love you?" asked the taller man, pressing his lips against the top of the brunette's locks. "Look, I don't care about what happened."

"I do. How do we explain to our kid that one of their dads was enough of a dumb fuck to go and get-"

"Don't. Don't you dare say it, because you can live just as long as I can. And you will."

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" asked Logan, pulling his head back to face the blonde, his face set into a bemused vacancy. Kendall curled his lips into a half smile, wiping away the brunette's tears with his thumb. "You love me, exactly how I love you, and there's not a person in this world that's going to change it."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Babe I'm sorry, but parking was a nightmare. Yeah, I see you." The blonde waved over at his beloved from across the street as he smilingly cut the call and placed his phone into his back pocket. I couldn't help but give a content smirk to him, knowing full well he couldn't see me. I had decided that this morning would be my last watching over Kendall and Logan. They were back at the clinic, back at the point that would grant them their happy ending; and I have to admit I was glad that they found it. As much as I was fascinated by the ups and downs that defined them, it didn't feel right to intrude on something so personal. It would be a while before the next time I was lucky enough to bring myself to see them, or if I even wanted to see them torn away from the life they would create. They would soon start a family, something that would ensure their passage out into the light of happiness, far away from the past. Logan was wrong: this wasn't something that was born out of pretense, this was something that would cement them together for the rest of their lives. Out of an entire universe, I found myself such a slave to these two; the epitome of every facet of love I had learned about. "Good luck" I heard myself murmur silently, to an audience who was already making his way across his street to his destiny.

I turned around to move away, but a haze of white light blocked my path, the pure aurora stealing away my sight. My eyes adjusted to the sudden grow and death of the glow as it began to take a solid form. A second later, an incandescent Kendall stood before me, his face quivering in arrows of shock. The once intense sea of green in his eyes had mellowed out with trauma, watching me cautiously as I arched my brow in surprise. Turning around, I finally made sense of it all – there in the middle of the street, amongst the steadily growing crowd lay rivulets of glistening ruby, steadily clotting its way around the tires of the silver Toyota. Logan shielded the source of crimson from view, his body heaving and collapsing as it gave way to an entire new world of sorrow, where the blackest of hells awaited him. There would be no true escape from this, not when a world promised him bliss and instead gifted him with this burden.

"What the hell is going on?" asked the blonde breathlessly, his eyes growing ever wider at the scene in front of us. He ran out before me, but I latched onto his shoulder, freezing him where he stood. "He won't be able to see or hear you" I said quietly, feeling him fidget uncontrollably in my grasp. "No one will."

"No, no, this… this isn't happening! That's not me over there!"

"I'm sorry."

"Fuck this. Logan! LOGAN!" The blonde finally wrung his shoulder out of my grasp and ran over to the crowd, his glowing body passing through the hordes of concerned bystanders to make his way to the man with whom his world began and ended. I followed in tow, running after him through the crowd, eventually finding him staring blankly over his grieving partner. Logan had been utterly possessed by his grief, pressing his forehead to the still warm body he held onto so tightly, incapable of speaking in anything but the cries that expelled themselves out from his chest. "We were supposed to start a family" whispered Kendall blankly, his voice barely registering to me above the insidious din of the crowd. "How… how-"

"Not even I can answer that." I placed my hand on his shoulder once more, this time with comforting reassurance instead of authority. "I'm sorry."

"How's he supposed to go on?" gasped the blonde, moving his eyes onto mine with the full extent of glimmering emerald. I shook my head. "He might never."

"And that's supposed to comfort me?"

"That's all I can give you for now." The blonde turned his head back onto his lover, his face flickering between a blank mask and contortions of misery. "He needs to know I love him. I need to tell him that much at least."

"You can't" I replied softly, shaking my head once more. "But he'll know. He'll always know, no matter how much pain he suffers through."

"How do you know?"

"Because love like the kind you had is immortal. It will never die out, even as time marches ahead." For the first time, I felt a twinge where my own heart should be, a cry of sympathy from the Grim Reaper himself to a story that ended far too soon. This wasn't fair by any standards, but no one could outlast what was meant to be, and for all my worth, I was powerless to stop it. "Of this much I am sure Kendall. Your story will be forever."

**So guys what did you think? Please leave me a review and let me know what you thought! Till next time **** T4L signing off…**


	10. Chapter 10

**Faithless**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, what's happening? A huge thank you to everyone who has read reviewed and alerted the last chapter, it's so heartwarming to see all of you enjoying that chapter. As usual, here's another idea of mine that kept bugging around in my head, so I decided to write this out before going back to my multi-chapter stories. Your thoughts and ideas are most certainly welcome on this, so please sit back and enjoy! PS – anything in bold is a soliloquy.

**I am faithless. There, I said it. Are you judging me? I am nothing more than a shell of flesh and bone, dooming myself to walk the darkest channels of this planet just because I can't bring myself to believe in anything or anyone. It's actually not as easy as you might think: old habits tend to die extremely hard. Sure, I still use the 'oh my God!' phrase like every normal person out there, but most don't know that I'm actually referring to some empty pocket in the universe rather than an actual thing. In fact, I'm still in the process of transitioning myself over to the grayer side of life. There's the occasional burst of hope that I feel in my chest, like an odd ray of light sintering itself through the endless ramps of steeled clouds, but I make sure to kill any and all hope that I have left. I've been hurt too badly to ever leave anything to the winds of fate, because they simply do not exist. It's much more calming to see life as a series of cold statistical occurrences, with each one of them acting as a consequence of the previous one and a cause for the next. The only person in this life that will truly ever stand by you is the person you see staring across from you at the other side of the mirror. There is no higher power or some deluded notion that everything that happens is meant to be. There is only here and now, and the cruel snapshots of time we call life.**

**Technically, I guess I'm not supposed to be this morose. I'm a painter by profession, needing to draw inspiration from every small nook and cranny of this world, twisting my own emotion into whorls of color to mirror the marvels of my own head… or so I've been told. I haven't picked up my brush since six weeks ago to paint anything. There used to be a time when my mind would swirl with entire rainbows, entrancing me to just reach out and pick up whatever form my muse would take. My mother used to stamp her feet to try and get my focus away from my canvases, but I could never leave. Not until they were complete, at least. She gave up in the end, and in the end, life gave up on her. There was no deeper meaning behind her passing, no wise words of wisdom that could provide comfort to me. How am I expected to pick up the pieces of someone who was mother, father and everything in between to me? The answer's simple – I don't. I just exist from day to day, just a mass hidden away behind the countless others, waiting for the hour when I too will expire. There is no faith for me, not now, not ever. Why? Because at the end of the day, the hardest thing to do is wake up from these shades and come alive to the people that are still here waiting…**

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"So you're actually going ahead with this?" asked the Latino incredulously, staring intently over the brunette from the kitchen counter. Logan twisted his body around to arch his brow questioningly, his hand unconsciously moving the wooden spoon he held around in monotonous circles within the pot of mushroom sauce. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Because it's only been six weeks after his mother died. Don't you think that's a bit too soon?"

"Actually, I was going to ask him this two months ago" said the brunette quietly, returning his gaze to the luxurious cream pool, watching every ripple the spoon made across the silken mass. "But she took a turn for the worse and I just pushed myself back to the sidelines." He smiled sadly to himself, fiddling across the knobs to turn down the heat. "You should have seen his face Carlos. Every day he came back from the hospital, he broke that much more."

"Well, how could he not?" murmured Carlos, rearranging his face sympathetically. "No one should have to lose anyone through AIDS of all things."

"What do you think I should do?" The Latino sighed wearily, propping up elbows onto the counter. Logan might be the one with the fancy CEO job, but he was completely useless when the situation stripped itself down to bare emotion. Not that it was his fault, but the brunette was far better at dealing with comfortable solidity of numbers and currency, leaving any strand of emotion he possessed buried far beneath him. Kendall had been the one to bring him out of his intellectual shell, teaching him that life didn't follow the rigorous ups and downs of share prices – it was more complicated than that, commanding such intricate beauty that no human could ever possibly imagine. They seemed to be on polar opposites of the world, but they complimented each other seamlessly; with the blonde adding effervescence to Logan's uncertainty of the big bad world and the brunette streaking Kendall with subtle hint of grounding. Lately, it seemed that the roles had been reversed, and the Latino saw that it wouldn't take much more for the businessman to break. He'd given up the long office hours to be with his love, following him to the ends of the earth, all for the bare mumble of words to know that the blonde was alright. Such a fragile state left little to the imagination: no fortune teller was needed to see where this would eventually end.

"Honestly, I think you should try to be a bit more gradual with it" said Carlos slowly, picking his words very carefully under the brunette's scrutinizing gaze. "You know, take him on a date, go do the things you guys used to do before all this happened."

"But I have been trying that. We went to that museum he loved so much yesterday, and the beach two days before that." Logan shrugged his shoulders anxiously. "Nothing, not even a smile."

"So you're going to shock the depression out of his system with a proposal?" asked Carlos, laughing disbelievingly at the dagger-eyed expression his friend threw him. "Real nice Logan, he'll be back to normal in no time!"

"Shut up!" snapped the CEO irritably, taking his saucepan off the heat completely. "Well, what else am I going to do? I can't keep living like this anymore."

"So imagine what he must be going through. He's not doing this for fun you ass." The brunette clicked his tongue wrathfully, running a hand through his locks in desperation. Whether his pride wanted to admit it or not, Carlos had the right idea. Kendall wasn't simply going to do a complete turnabout just because he was proposed to, but then again it was better to try than to watch helplessly as the man he loved sunk further into the hell that was his own mind. Day and night he spent trying to conceive up new ways to lure the blonde out of his melancholy, only to be rewarded with silent indifference at best. The person he fell in love with was starting to disappear, and he couldn't do a damn thing to stop it. "Did you know he hasn't picked up a brush since the funeral?" asked the CEO softly, capturing Carlos's attention with a frown. "He hasn't painted or laughed or even smiled since then."

"Logan-"

"He's angry at her Carlos. He blames her for everything, and I have to stop it before he hurts himself too badly."

"How do you know?" The brunette lowered his gaze. "I just… I do. Trust me on this one."

"And you think marriage is going to fix all that?" Logan threw his head up resiliently. "I can only try. I love him."

"Yeah, but a marriage is more than that!" exclaimed the Latino loudly. "A marriage is supposed to be stable, it's something you can come back home from a fucked up day at the office and make all your stresses disappear, not add to them." He threw his hands up in the air to emphasize his point, eyeing the look of utter distaste growing on Logan's face. "I love him" said the CEO firmly. The Latino shook his head vehemently. "That's something you say as the final cherry on top! Like 'caution: wet floor' or 'parental guidance is advised for younger viewers.' It doesn't guarantee anything."

"I have an ace up my sleeve."

"Oh yeah? What?"

"I-"

Logan's words silenced themselves as he heard the door swing open, giving the Latino a panicked look as the color drained itself in pink tendrils off his skin. A few seconds of shuffling footsteps was followed by the despondent appearance of his boyfriend, complete with miserable aura in tow. Kendall wore his custom uniform of icy indifference, the numbed green of his eyes quickly taking in the sight before him as he pulled off his jacket. He threw the Latino a quick nod of the head. "Hey Carlos."

"Hello" smiled the shorter man, grimacing at the brunette before turning his head to face the blonde, his face fixed in a sweet smile. Kendall raised his eyebrows quizzically. "Are you staying for dinner?"

"Uh no, actually I have to get going." Carlos gutted the brunette with his look of concern, relieving his position on the kitchen counter. Within the space of thirty awkward seconds, he gave the blonde a final smile before heading out the door, shutting it into place as if to make sure none of the misery escaped. Logan thinned his lips anxiously as Kendall's eyes returned to him, devastatingly hollow as ever. It was now or never; else his nerve would completely disappear. This had to work, there was no other option.

"Was it something I said that made him run out so quickly?" asked the painter flatly, laying his jacket on a nearby chair. He flung his keys onto the table with an effortless flick of his wrist, never once taking his eyes off the CEO. Logan shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, pouting his lips in surprise. "He's always in a rush. In fact, he just got here when you showed up."

"Logan, we really don't have to do the small talk" said the blonde quietly, lowering his eyes to distance himself from the meltingly consternated watch piercing right through him. Instead, he caught onto the saucepan sitting innocently on the stovetop, taking in a huge whiff of air. "Is that mushroom sauce?"

"Yeah."

"We're having steak and mushroom sauce with asparagus for dinner" he said thoughtfully, his face blanking over in complete emptiness. "My favorite."

"Actually, I wasn't expecting you till much later so I'm a bit behind with this" said the brunette, looking around nervously, hoping some kitchen utensil would come to life and break the heavy stillness between them. Kendall took a solemn step forward. "It's OK, I'll help."

"No. No, there's something I need to show you first."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

**It's not that I don't love him. There's no other person that I would ever want to hold in my arms. I've forgotten how to show it though. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend that he means the world to me anymore… that if it wasn't for him, I'd be long dead by now with my mother. She really did screw up a lot for me though. She completely shattered my concept of what fidelity is supposed to be. My dad wasn't going to win any 'Man of the Year' awards, but no one deserves to have their relationship shattered because one wants more than what the other can give. I was pissed beyond belief, but I never showed it once. Why? Partly because she had no one else and she was my mother after all; but mostly because I wanted to be the bigger person. I wanted to rise above my anger, but I guess it was wrong to stand on my dignity like that. The funny thing is, the more I try to help myself out of this hole, the angrier I get. And poor Logan… he's just there, this innocent punching bag for my silence. He's had enough of this, but I don't know how to tell him that I love him beyond anything else… because there is no guarantee that he'll be there forever.**

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Logan, no" mumbled the painter, letting his arm go limp in the brunette's hold. Logan soldiered on in the face of his love's reluctance, pulling the taller man into the room with a resounding force. Kendall gazed around the space, his eyes filling with dejection with every passing second. The room was practically covered in dirty white sheets, each of them baring beautiful splatters of color to tell a story from the painting which birthed them. His brushes and paint tubes awaited him faithfully in corner, standing like guards underneath the incomplete masterpiece he was supposed to have finished – a smiling Logan wrapped in the arms of his portrait counterpart, the two of them crafted with such exquisite lightheartedness that it trumped over every single brush stroke he'd ever done. He stared deeply at the two lovers on the canvas, roaming his eyes over the unfinished colors in the corner. How long had it been since he'd seen the two of them smile like that? He'd stopped the day his mother was admitted to the hospital, the day his world stopped turning because of all the resentment he held. He tried to summon up some show emotion, if only to appease the brunette's pleading stare, but it didn't work. He couldn't feel anything, let alone the liberation of sorrow to free him from here. His watch roved over to the object standing in the corner, causing him to tilt his head with clinical bewilderment. "What's that doing here?" he asked, pointing to the full length mirror. Logan stepped forward in front of the taller man, looking with quiet determination straight down into the pit of misery he wanted so badly. "I brought that here from our bedroom."

"What for?"

"Close your eyes." Kendall cocked his head upright. "What?"

"Just trust me please." The blonde sighed wearily. It was asking the world of him right now. There was too much out there just waiting to betray him again. At any moment, Logan could do exactly what his mother did and reason infidelity with passion and let his entire world fall again. "Only you can break me completely" thought Kendall, slowly closing his eyes to the darkness within. "Will you?"

Logan gently lifted his hands to the painter's shirt, steadily undoing each button with loving focus. His heart drummed out excitedly, forcing his breath to come out in soft blasts. Pushing the thin cotton down to the floor, he silently marveled at the vast swathe of sun kissed skin before him, so soft and yielding beneath his fingertips. He pulled himself closer to his boyfriend's body, closing in to the clean scent of his being. His lips tenderly bruised themselves across the quiver of the taller man's collar bone, leading themselves up his neck to his cheek, catching Kendall's bee stung petals in between his own. "I miss you" he whispered, burying his face into the painter's neck. A pained expression struck across the blonde's face. "I know."

"Please don't hate me for what I'm about to do."

"Logan, you're scaring me."

"Don't be, I'm right here. Just keep your eyes closed." The painter heard the quick ebb and flow of his love's footsteps diffusing anxiously into the air, pricking his ears up for any sound that may lead to some clue. "Logan?"

"I'm here. Eyes closed baby." The blonde shuddered as he felt a light wet tickle across his chest, causing his body to step away in surprise. "Are you painting on me?"

"Just stand still, you're going to ruin it if you move." With reluctant obedience, the painter stood still, allowing his love to leave his marks on his most personal of canvases. He tried to sense the brush's movements, but Logan was too intermittent with his strokes, leaving his skin every couple of seconds, most likely to reload with paint. "Skin isn't the best thing to paint on, you know that right?"

"It's a bit impersonal if I did it on a blank canvas or something like that" said the CEO quietly, moving his eyes across the taller man's chest. "I'm almost done."

"With what?"

"You'll see" said Logan, feeling his pulse rise to dizzying rates. "When are you going to finish that painting of us?"

"Sometime. Just not now, I can't yet" murmured the blonde. "Can I open my eyes now?"

"Sure. Look in the mirror."

Sighing wearily, the blonde's eyes instantly flew open, taking in the sudden glimmer of hope in the brunette's irises. He wandered over to the mirror, finally making out his love's art across his torso, written so boldly that he feared it might fly right off his chest. His heart lurched sickeningly at the letters, widening his eyes in shock. His blood chilled to crimson ice, flushing his face with a breathless fluster. This wasn't happening, this couldn't be happening… not yet. _Marry me_. Plain and simple but so powerfully disarming. Kendall stared hopelessly at his reflection, feeling the brunette lightly place his forehead in the valley between his shoulder blades. "Please say yes" he whispered imploringly. "I'm begging you."

"Logan-"

"You can't keep hiding away forever Kendall" said the CEO, wrapping his arms around the taller man's waist. "Please. Marry me."

"I'm sorry… I can't."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

**When someone's heart breaks, the pieces never quite fit back together the same way they used to before. There are always these empty spaces where wholeness used to be, just biding their time for the right crack to open them back up again. Faithlessness seals the entire thing away in this tiny little box in which you can forget about. Sure, there are always reminders of what was, but they hurt less the more you ignore them. When Mom died… she left my heart in a million fucked up pieces that don't even come close to fitting together. I can't trust him or anyone else, and it fucking kills me that I can't. I love him so much it hurts, so why won't I say yes?**

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Kendall, I love you" said Logan firmly, his hands swiftly turning the deadweight around to face him, glaring him right into the hazed green eyes. "You mean everything to me, but I can't keep seeing you doing this to yourself!"

"Then leave Logan" said the blonde softly, feeling his body grow limp. An enigmatic hurt started to spread through his chest, stealing away the air from his lungs. Was this the result of his apathy with the world? Did the numbness eventually grow so great that it collapsed upon himself? He couldn't do this. It wasn't fair to Logan to have a husband on the point of being drowned in an emotionless sea, and it bled across him that he would do the exact same thing that his mother did – leave when all hope was lost instead of finding a will to fight on. "Go."

"I am not going anywhere!" snarled the shorter man, fire blazing across his face in a heated pink. "Tell me, when was the last time we made love? Or kissed? Or even fucking smiled at each other?"

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't I? I know precisely what I'm talking about." The brunette took a wrathful step closer, his breath mingling across the barely there clouds escaping from the blonde's lips. "You can't stand the fact that you're turning into her with every day that passes" he whispered, taking in the lighting struck expression from his lover with a grim satisfaction. "You're letting us turn into them, and one day when every ounce of love between us is gone, you'll leave-"

"FUCK YOU!" screamed Kendall, his eyes beginning to mist over in the bitter sting of tears. With a swooping step back, he let out a choked cry, ignoring the flinch shaking through Logan's body. "I AM NOT HER!"

"Kendall-"

"She left him, OK?" said the painter, his heart screwed up in painful knots for the first time since this icy imprisonment began. "She left because she wanted more for herself! And I spent every day trying to understand that but I can't! She destroyed every single idea I had of what love was about, and now you want me to marry you when either one of us can do the same?" He shook his head sobbingly, weakly throwing up a hand to ward off the advancing brunette. "She got what she deserved" he said hoarsely, each word trying desperately to escape the painful catch of his throat. "I love you so much" he whispered, turning his head away. "But I can't marry you like this. Not when I don't believe in us."

"Then it's a good thing I have faith enough for both us" murmured the brunette, fishing around in his pocket. He slowly pulled out a piece of paper to stare at it for a few moments before handing it over to the blonde's limp grasp. "I didn't want to give this to you because I was afraid of you slipping further away from me. But I think that it's a mistake if you don't read this." Kendall rolled his head tearfully. "What is this?" he asked quietly, unfolding the paper to see a familiar scrawl of writing appear before him. Logan shuffled nervously on his feet. "Just read."

_Kendall_

_My baby boy… I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of you. Maybe it's because I'm your mother, but I still see you as that tiny little baby I held in my arms on the night you were born. Despite my shortcomings as a parent, you've come so far in life – a wonderful career as an artist and a man who treasures you more than his own life. I'm a little ashamed to say that I'm jealous of my own son for what he has achieved, but can you honestly blame me? You have everything I ever wanted in my own life, all without losing your innocence or hurting someone else. I am truly in awe of you my baby, more than you can ever imagine._

_I'm not writing this as some way to ease my conscience before I die. I paid the price for my actions, and it's been a long journey for me to accept that. I did what I did because I couldn't bear to be in a place where I'm simply existing from day to day. Your father and I had long since given up hope on the chance that the spark could return, but by the time I left, I didn't want to see anything but the graying bits of life I escaped. There were some good moments though: you taking your first steps, the first couple of birthdays I was there for… but at the end of it all, not even your bright light could save me from what was to come. Should I have fought harder for my marriage? Definitely. Do I regret leaving? I don't know the answer to that yet. When I finally met someone else, I wanted to be loved so badly that I was willing to look over everything that was just to be touched. He was good to me though, right till the end. I don't ever say I love him however, because that is an insult to what I feel for you. You take precedence in my life, and I only wish I was smart enough to have realized that sooner._

_I know you're mad at me. Even though you're here at my side every single day, I wish part of you would stop the pretending and yell at me for what I've done. Maybe that would make me feel better for all the years in which I wasn't there, all the 'I love you's' I was supposed to say but couldn't. But you're so stoic like your father to just accept things the way they are. I can handle everything but your silence, and it's heartbreaking to know that you're seething, but choose not to say anything. Blame me, curse me, do what you want; just please say something. _

_I pray that one day you'll forgive me my boy. May you have all the happiness I ever searched for plus an eternity more. You of all people deserve that._

_Until we meet again Kendall_

_Mom_

It was a full minute until after he read the letter before the painter realized his boyfriend's arms wrapped around him, the soft dark locks resting against his back. The pain in his chest magnified, collapsing all the air out of his lungs in a single fluid cry, his cheeks burning as he felt the saline trail of his tears blaze their way down his cheeks. His head hung in bitter angst, trying desperately to put his feelings into words, but not a single thought came to his rescue. The wall that kept him isolated from everything had broken down – the only way to get through this was to feel every tiny bit of the storm inside, letting it wreck him completely so that he could be built anew. There was no denying it anymore.

"She gave that to me a week before she passed away" whispered the brunette softly, feeling the painter's every quiver shudder through his fingertips. "She told me not to give that to you until she died. I think she was hoping you were going to come around in the end."

"But I never did" choked Kendall hoarsely, letting his hands rest across Logan's. It felt like forever since they connected like this, skin against skin, so bare and vulnerable that the slightest touch may break the both of them. "I couldn't, not after what she did to me. He shook his head slightly. "What the hell was she thinking?"  
"I like to think that at the end of the day she really felt sorry for what she did. She loved you, just like I do. Just like I always will." The brunette's grip on the blonde grew tighter, pulling him closer towards his body until his senses were clouded with his lover's scent. "I swear to you that I'm not going anywhere babe. I'll never leave. I couldn't." The blonde drew in a shaky breath, feeling the first blooms of reassurance sprout in his heart. They were small, but enough to dispel some of the darkness, enough to remind him that there was someone there all along. "Promise?"

"Nothing can drag us apart. I love you Kendall Knight and I'm not ever letting you go."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

**If you leave me, there is no point in me living anymore. I've searched so long for an answer, a person that was right in front of me all along. I'm sorry for how I've been, but please understand that I didn't know how else to be. You must have gone to hell and back so many times because of me… I wish I could make it up to you somehow. What happened just now doesn't fix anything: it won't bring her back, even for a little while to tell her how I feel. But it's a start, and that is something for now. I don't know if there is a God out there, but I know that there's you. I love you Logan. Please don't ever let me go.**

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Kendall smirked at the lovers staring back at him from the painting, their smiles dazzling across the living room with a blissful serenity. "They look happy, don't they?" he said, turning his head to face the shorter man, feeling a warm comfort as he took the brunette's hand into his own. "Almost like nothing ever happened."

"We'll get there someday" said Logan smilingly, giving the taller man a playful nudge with his free hand. "But for now, this is enough."

"Carlos called by the way. He's pissed we didn't invite him to the wedding."

"It was a wedding registration at a courthouse. We didn't even plan it."

"I know" grinned the painter happily. "That's the beauty of it." The CEO turned his body around fully, pulling his husband into his embrace. His smile grew as he heard the comforting thud of the blonde's heart on the other side of his chest, working away at an existence that was slowly finding meaning again. The pieces were slowly starting to fit together the way they should, the way they would always be from now until forever. "I love you."

"I love you too."

**Well guys, what did you think? Please leave a review and let me know! Till next time!**


	11. Chapter 11

**We Were Born To Fall**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters; else I'd totally be leaking that third album out to you guys.

**Author's Note:** In case I'm too late, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR DEAR READERS! I'm writing this on Christmas Eve, knowing I'll never have this ready to post up by tomorrow, but in any case I just hope that you all are safe and happy over the festive period. I know that I've been terribly ignorant of my writing lately, but now that I've graduated, it's been a race going to all these job interviews (no luck yet, but holding thumbs). So this particular storyline is inspired by a movie I saw recently, so I really hope you guys like it. Please take a read and let me know what you think.

"_You and I forever lover boy. Happy anniversary._" Kendall smiled sardonically as he let the harsh burn of the whiskey in his mouth lace fanatically across his tongue, filling his head with the golden distilled bitterness. It had been one month, three weeks and twenty three hours since he had received that card, and he had counted every miserable second of it, every slip of time passing torturously through him like some arcane ghost of torture. There wasn't a single night since that day where his eyes, once so zealously emerald, hadn't passed across the ceiling, wondering if he hadn't tempted fate by believing in those words too much. Forever – it seemed to pass by so instantly, leaving him to wonder whether God had just ushered him into another life without his consent. It was a wonder that he still drew breath even after so much of him had left. Not physically of course – God, he wished his hurt would remain in the fleshy confines of his body. When the other half of your soul leaves, you simply can't afford anything but to count the days until you're numb. For Kendall Knight, that sweet day had yet to arrive.

His eyes turned around the walls, so full of his triumphs and yet not a single one of those could find a way to light up his life now. Award upon award, a plethora of silver and gold discs; all glistening in the late New York sunlight, all so meaningless in the throbbing wake of his heart. It was a show that the world put on for him, with his name in every sentence on the lips of countless teens across the world, all of them dying for him just to look their way with that mischievous smile he'd honed to a meticulous art. Plucked from the obscurity of Minnesota's bitter blizzards, fame and fortune had worked their illustrious enchantments to take a rather interesting turn in the story of his life. There, in the midst of all the screaming chaos he'd suddenly become accustomed to, his heart awoke from its ignorant dormancy to glow like some ethereal crimson beacon in the blush of his first love, and then his first heartbreak. It never ceased to amaze him how breathless this left him, weakly grasping for any bit of happiness he could find. "I can't be saved" he murmured headily, feeling his conscious spin in and out of reality's synch. The whiskey's acrid sympathy was beginning to take its toll on his body, so young at its first lick of proper alcohol, but what more damage could a few drops of insanity bring that the raging pain hadn't already thought of?

"This again?" The blonde felt a quiet pressure at his hips, steadying his drunken stagger before his wall of glory, gently forcing his body to yield up against the solid figure behind him. A miserable shadow of a laugh hollowed out of his mouth as he carelessly laid the whiskey glass on the table just next to him, drooping his head forlornly. These hands had known every inch of his body, but never got the chance to explore them with the racing nakedness he wanted so badly. They had hugged him for his wins, patted him on the shoulder for his losses, but never once judged him for what he was. Their touch broke past the international singing phenomenon, preferring to have the person underneath that glamour; right before throwing him to the dogs. "Yes, this again" he whispered brokenly, trying desperately to command his body into some form of show. "And it will be like this every night until you take me back Logan."

"You sound like a five year old" said the older man, slowly twisting the blonde's body around until their faces were mere inches apart. The sea of hurting green pierced through his soul, but he had to soldier on. Their time together had come and gone, and no matter how badly it hurt, he knew he couldn't corrupt this wrathful angel… not when the world was at his feet.

"Why are you here?" asked Kendall hoarsely, thudding his hands against the brunette's chest. "Is that what does it for you now? Younger guys with drinking problems?"

"If it did, you'd be naked on the floor by now." Logan shook his head. "I… I just wanted to see you one last time."

"Well take a good fucking look at your masterpiece you heartless bastard! Are you happy that-"

"I'm not happy without you." The answer was quiet and simple, but powerful enough to silence the blonde's tirade. Kendall swayed slightly in the taller man's grip, his breath coming out in quick clouds, but Logan kept his stare right on him, almost hungrily. This wasn't fair to either of them, but rather this torture than having to watch the singer's star slowly fade away to nothing. "Someday… I really pray you'll understand why a thirty-year old record manager and his eighteen-year old superstar were never meant to have all that 'happily ever after' crap."

"So that's why you sold out my contract to a bigger label" said the blonde, his breath perfumed in opulent delusion. "You did it for me."

"Yeah."  
"Except you didn't give a fuck about what I wanted" he said softly. "All of this, it means nothing without you." Logan slipped his head into a nod. "You're young. You'll be OK."

"I want you."

"Let me let you in on a little secret Kendall – the world isn't as forgiving as you might think. There are people in very high places that can turn you into a god. All you have to do is-."

"Not be gay? I hate you. All of you" said the blonde, pressing his forehead into the older man's torso. Logan sighed longingly, fearing if his hold on the singer grew any tighter; his body may never want to leave. The world had dictated what their roles should be: any defiance now would be suicide in every sense. Love, or whatever crazy ride this was, was simply not enough to get them through.

"You're not even here, are you?"

"I wish I wasn't."

"Don't go."

"It doesn't matter. You keep stealing pieces of me until there's nothing left anyways. There's nothing to leave you."

**OK, I finished this on the 2****nd**** of January. But I wanted to keep this short on purpose. What did you guys think? HAPPY NEW YEAR BY THE WAY! Leave me a review (I didn't get presents this year – sad) and let me know! Ciao!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Heartbeats From Afar**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters, but I am wondering when _She Drives_ is going to be released.

**Author's Note:** No, contrary to popular belief, I have not died! I know it's been a while since I've written ANYTHING, but I've just started a new job and it's been rather exhausting to hit the ground running. However, I will try to write more often; and on that note, I thought it would be nice if I broke my creative hiatus with a oneshot. This story was inspired a book I read recently (see if you can guess which one). You guys know the drill; I always look forward to your thoughts, comments and suggestions, so please hit that review button and tell me what you want to see!

"No, I don't think you understand, I-"

"_Sir, our most recent records indicate that you are to have power of attorney over Mr. Knight and to act as his medical guardian._" The voice over the phone bit into my ear with its weary snap, but I was still too frozen to even fight over the base conditions of politeness one should have when dealing with others. Throughout this barely curt conversation, my eyes had never left the head of soft golden spikes bobbing up and down in the living room to the annoyingly catchy theme song of some cartoon show. My heart lurched sickeningly against my chest, dancing away in some macabre tattoo as I was hypnotized by the energetic sway of the sunlit pastel locks. Five years, had that really been it? It felt like five millennia, five thousand years of moving in futile cycles of aching downs and destructive collapses into and out of this infinite sea. Heartache had become my home, and Pain my only companion; they carried me when I saw no way out, their touches like comforting stabs to my martyrdom. I am what I am today because I had eventually separated myself from everything that was him – I learned to see the seeds of my new life instead of the flaming ruins of my old ones. This phone call, no matter how rude it was, made me realize how incredibly foolish I had been: instead of moving forward, I had been stuck in that same moment for so long, I mistook my numbness for my own progress. "He… We're not together anymore" I whispered weakly, trying my utmost to fend of the need to fall away into nothingness and pretend it never happened. "He has a wife now, I'm sure she's with him."

"_And she most certainly is sir, but unfortunately Mr. Knight never updated his records. If you no longer wish to act as his guardian, you can sign a transfer over to his wife and then not have to deal with any of this._" Adrenalin flooded my blood in an icy burst. Is that what I want? Just one signature, and I'd be back to believing my wonderfully ignorant lie. It wasn't reality, but in the end what really mattered was that I would be whole enough to shower that frenzied little ball of energy with so much love, he'd never suspect in the least that his father had left me a hollow shell of the man I used to be.

No matter how you look at it, life is nothing more than an equilibrium of actions. Happiness, misery, wrath, love; every single emotion we are capable of feeling as human beings have all been carefully crafted to counter each other in some cosmically synergistic design. We aren't supposed to feel anything in excess because we're weak. I am living proof of that – find one person that tips the proverbial scales and that equilibrium in irreversibly disrupted. With every single facet of my life bleeding into each other, I could only think of him. In the chaos that came, he was the only rock I had to hold onto. The funny thing was he never knew it. Each time he would ask me if I was alright, I'd make up some excuse and say that my work drained the hell out of me. He'd flip his lips into that irresistible grin and take me into his arms, never once mindful of the fact that he gloriously slaughtered me every time my body was against his. Every night when I felt his adoring breath caress the back of my neck, I'd pray to God to save me from him. The truth was simple: I was starting to lose myself. I had willingly handed him so much of me, there wasn't anything left to hold my being together. It wasn't easy when you dealt with someone so entirely perfect, but I stayed. And five years ago, at least for a little while, our lives grew to accommodate another. That little pulse of time had grown to become an incandescent fantasy over the years in the hell of my mind. I have tried my best to kill it, but I guess there are some things that have to remain, like scars to remind you not to make the same mistake twice. "Mason" I called throatily, feeling my voice catch painfully in my throat. "Come on buddy, we have to go."

"But Dad, _Transformers Armada _is on!" In a single second, my son had turned around and gazed up at me with that defiant innocence I knew so well from my past. I say he's my son, but he looks nothing like me at all – those penetratingly green eyes haunt me every time I latch onto them, much like his did. He shares a grand total of zero percent of my DNA, but that doesn't matter to me. Or at least it didn't. I was the one who raised him, who loved him to the point where he wasn't a trophy from my nightmare, but a son, an actual extension of me. And now, I was taking him to the person who I had to thank for all this, who had put me here in a single night and quietly left the both of us to rot in his shadow. I don't hate him, but its one thing to shatter me. It's another to shatter my world. "We've got somewhere to go."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Dad, where are we going?" I bit my lip protectively as the same question burst forth from my boy's mouth for the sixth time. The sinew in my knuckles forced themselves to blanch ice white on the steering wheel as my feet shook anxiously on the clutch and brake. How am I supposed to tell him that we're on our way to his biological father, the breathing reason why I stand so alone in my life? I stared resolutely up at the ruby glow of the traffic light, my head spinning in delirious orbits. Kendall Knight would do the same thing when he wanted an answer, charging completely past the barricade of my demure silence until I was bothered enough to conjure up some lie. "We're on our way to see a friend of Daddy's" I murmured softly, feeling the car hum reassuringly as blood red surrendered to piercing green. The corner of my eye caught Mason's expression bloom joyously, his face lighting up into the song of a million fireworks. "Ooh, is it one of my friends? Are we on our way to see Tyler?"

"No buddy, this is… this is one of Daddy's friends." It was half true – Kendall and I went back all the way to our flurrying days of Minnesota snowball fights. Before we fell in love, we were friends, something that had resonated harmoniously throughout our relationship. Even now, a cold slap of Los Angeles air was enough to send me flying right back to dodging my lover's deadly throwing arm. The thing was, how could I ever tell him that the man we were about to see had me wrapped around his finger without so much as a word from his heavenly lips? Why was I even bringing him along when I could call out a babysitter at the last minute? Part of me felt that maybe Kendall had to see this; that I could stand on my own two feet despite my desire to fall to pieces. Then again, what could I prove to a man in need of a medical guardian?

"Dad?" Mason's voice pulled my thoughts away from themselves, tearing me back to reality. I cleared my throat with an unceremonious cough. "Yeah?"

"You don't have any friends." I let a soft snigger punctuate the air between us, allowing my son's blatant honesty to curl around my lips. Like father like son – I made a mental note to cultivate a new respect for genetics. "This is one of my old friends, from before you were born."

"Then how come we never see him? Did you two stop being friends?" I nodded slowly, bringing the car to a gradual halt in the bask of another red light. Mason might not have known it, but he was slowly dissecting the mechanics of my coveted past with painstaking attention to detail, but I owed him this much at least. For now, my precious five year-old would have to make do with convoluted distortions until I could safely confide in him that my love for his father was beyond saving: we both had simply decided to give up on what was. He moved on, I didn't – simple as that. "Something like that Mason."

It had been quite an impulsive decision on both our parts. Kendall was under the blissful delusion that all was well with us, and I being the pathetic idiot that I was, was powerless to tell him otherwise. I was scared to tell that I needed to breathe, fearing that I would lose him forever. Every single second of my existence was spent walking a very fine balance between being the perfect partner and secretly running through the hollow carvings of soul where I was once complete. I was at the end of my precarious tether – I wanted to let go, until I felt safe enough to be with him and not feel my essence swathed away to some ebony void of depression. I had planned to end it on that day. Well, not quite end it, but at least pause the both of us until I gained some semblance of sanity. I walked through the door of our apartment, but before I could even draw breath, Kendall had grabbed my shoulders, his face so childishly gleeful. "We're missing something" he had exclaimed, his eyes ablaze with an inferno of passion. I still remember the way I raised my eyebrow questioningly. "You seem so excited about that."

"Logan, let's start a family."

Some say that Time would not stop her march for any man. I, however, like to believe that she saw my plea, and in her all knowing grace, took pity on me. A family. Something to bond us together forever no matter what happened. I could either break his dream and end my suffering, or hold my breath forever. As I looked on into those imploring eyes, I felt the world around me stop to watch, every object hanging on to my words for fear of missing my decision. I did what any lovesick fool would do – I took a deep gulp of air, and prayed to God he'd never have to know my pain. "Let's start a family babe."

Don't ask me how nine months passed on like intangible dreams, but they practically slipped through my hands. Every visit we took to the obstetrician with our surrogate brought us one step closer to our bundle of joy, one more inch of hope I'd put out into the world that somehow I'd be OK. The minute our son came screaming into this world, the breath I'd held for so long finally gave way. I didn't need to see that golden mop of hair to know that my little guy would grow up to be the spitting image of my love. Those quiet green eyes that stared so confidently back up into my own told me that on their own. In fact, whenever Kendall was around, I'd limit my contact with Mason, preferring to watch him bounce the kid around as he talked in goo goo's and gurgles. I seemed like a bad father, but I just could not bring myself to even look at my baby boy, let alone take him into my arms with carefree abandon. I was the intruder of this perfect world, because this was not what I had seen for us. This was someone else's dream, I was just fortunate enough to pay rent. Little was I to know that my chance to breathe again was soon to come with an unfortunate price.

Mason had been four months old and asleep the day Kendall had taken me aside. I could never quite place the grim lines furrowing into his expression, they looked so out of place where they sat now. My own façade was a slightly quizzical one as he took one of my hands into his own, his sighs coming out in short blasts as if he was trying to pick his words with the most precise of thoughts. "Whatever you have to say, please just go ahead" I had whispered softly, surprised that my own voice had deserted me. "You're scaring me."

"I cheated on you." His words were barely a murmur, but he might as well as shouted them right in my ear. Suddenly my perfect nightmare wasn't so perfect anymore. "You… you what?"

"I slept with… with someone. I'm so sorry Logan."

Time again took pity on my situation, and for the second time in my life, she placed the world on hold for me. Am I ashamed of what I did? In retrospect, yes. But you have to know that I never saw the pain that was to come or the hurt that would become my own shadow. I only saw a way out, a way that looked like I would live again. So I chose once more, but this time I took the easy way out. I chose to breathe.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Hey, this is where we come to see Dr Sinclair!" said Mason excitedly, practically leaping out of my hand to lead my path across the sparkling gems of tiles, naively ignoring the wave of consternated stares he created as he went along. Unfortunately, I could not share in my son's enthusiasm, feeling my own will to go on drain with every step I took. Los Angeles wasn't exactly someone's backyard, but I figured Kendall and I would cross paths sooner or later. I had it all planned out to the last detail – a couple of awkward 'hi's', an uncomfortable exchange of 'how have you been', all topped off with two wistful sighs and longing stares before we made some excuse of having to go to some made up appointment. "But to think that I'm actually meeting a shell instead of him" I thought darkly, taking Mason's hand in a brief burst of speed before I slowed us down to a brisk walk. To be honest, it wasn't the thought of his body mangled in the goriest of twists that scared me, but it was what I didn't know: what would the doctors say? What if there wasn't any hope for him? In spite of all my shortcomings to love as freely and openly as he did, he was still a part of me, time couldn't erase that. Then again, this wasn't any of my business at all. The last I heard of my angel was through a mutual friend who casually dropped the fact that he'd gotten married to one of his old girlfriends in the same way one would casually drop a child on his head. It didn't matter to me then, of course. I had my work to distract me for eight hours of the day, and Mason to take up every free moment that I should have reserved for myself. Why I was still his appointed guardian was beyond me, but how could I be of any use when he had clearly moved on with his life? "One signature" I muttered under my breath, careful not to let any of my thoughts form into words for the pair of little ears beneath me to hear. One careless fleck of ink and plastic, and I could forget that I ever came here or that my heart lay lost here in the cold hands of someone who might not be here in any sense at all. As I stepped in synch to the furious drum in my chest, I woefully chose to pay no heed to the murderous irony that I once forgot how to breathe on my own, and now Kendall was probably in the exact same position.

"Logan?" My feet automatically ceased their pounding on the mirror-like floor beneath us, turning around at the sharp, almost fearful blast of my name. My eyes snapped onto an ethereal brunette woman, anxiously seated on the edge of her plastic seat. The fine strands of her hair crowded around her face in thin, straight locks of frosted brown worry, shielding her cheeks away from sight. Her eyes were red from tears just flooded, her skin bearing testament to her sad beauty. "Who are you?" asked Mason suspiciously, drawing himself closer to my body. It took a full thirty seconds for my warped head to register his words. "Mason, don't be rude." The woman briefly smiled at my son's youthful impetuousness, pulling herself off the chair as if the weight of every single anxiety that ever existed was placed upon her delicate little shoulders. "I'm… I'm Kendall's…" Her sentence trailed off into discomfited quiet, but it would take an ass of galactic note not to complete it. Here was my female counterpart, my replacement if you will. This was the living embodiment of the path I had let my love walk to, while I selfishly tried to pick up pieces of something I couldn't even see. "How is he?" I asked softly, absentmindedly gripping Mason's palm into my own. She shook her head vehemently, swaying slightly on the spot. "Bad."

"Oh." I immediately berated myself for not coming up with a more responsive answer. Here I was, standing before my ex-boyfriend's wife with the son he left me with at the hospital where he was hovering between life and death, and all I could muster, all my emotions led me to were 'oh'. With a slight gasp of air, I pursed my lips together in a single quiver, searching for Mason's shoulder with my arm. From afar, it looked as if I owed her something, but really we both needed the other. She needed me to let go, and I needed answers to do that. My universe was already broken, so I was certain whatever she had to say couldn't hurt me any further. "Should we talk?"

-xoxoxoxoxo-

The shelter of my eyes never once left Mason as he happily let himself loose upon the small plastic table and chair, his tiny arms flying across to every crayon and sheet of paper within reach. Beside me, I heard the woman chuckle softly, her voice coming out more like a restrained choke rather than an amused show. "He's wonderful" she whispered, following my line of sight over to the untamed scribbling of my bundle of joy, taking in the untamed scribbles of blue and red crayon he brought to life on his cheap canvas. I nodded blankly, feeling a faint nausea rise inside my body. I didn't want to be here. I wanted this to be as painless as possible for me, but something kept me here, rooted to my wallowing hurt. Kendall's wife tapped me gently on the shoulder, hypnotically pulling my eyes to her face. "I'm Lucy."

"I'm-"

"I know who you are" she smiled sadly, fiddling her fingers together. "I've seen pictures, heard all the stories. You have quite a mythology built around you."

"He told you about us?" I asked dryly, arching my brow curiously. Lucy nodded faintly, dropping her gaze from my own. "It's hard being the other person."

"You shouldn't take it too personally. Kendall has a way of exaggerating things."

"Not when it comes to you I'm afraid" she murmured distantly. I felt an ominous shiver pass through my spine at her words. I couldn't do the pleasantries. "How is he?" Lucy's eyes melted into chocolate pools of despair, birthing twin tears to trail down her cheek. "He was in an accident three nights ago. Head on collision with a drunk driver" she said, my ears pricking up at the deathly whisper. "The doctors… they say that there's no recovery. The trauma on his brain was too much and he's not breathing on his own." My blood froze into crimson ice in my veins, numbing my body into useless sheets of cold flesh. No recovery… as in gone forever from my reach. "Don't they…" My head struggled to put together words coherently. "Don't they wait a couple of days to see how he responds?"

"With the damage he's suffered, it's unlikely he'll ever wake up. At least that's what they say." This wasn't happening, this couldn't be real. Yes, we abandoned each other, but he was THERE! Right there, just a confusing drive away to see, but never gone from this world… never truly gone from me.

"Lucy, I-"

"You have to decide what happens next Logan. You knew him best." she said quietly, wiping away her tears, but they just kept coming. My own eyes began to sting with my regret, forming a painful lump in my throat. I wanted to scream and let the black fire inside of me take over my every fiber, but I was trapped in my own body, a prison all for myself. "You're his wife."

"We're not married. We never were." I stared on incredulously, temporarily forgetting that my son was five feet away from me. "You're lying."

"I met him at a movie theatre" she said, lifting her head to bring her pleading tears to my full sight. "We decided to skip the show and grab coffee instead. He told me everything, about how you guys were dads, and how he was slowly losing you." My mouth hung open in shock, unable to place even a single word in my defense onto the air. He knew… despite all my acting, he knew what I strove so hard to keep hidden deep inside. Lucy took a tentative stare at me before continuing. "He said that he didn't know exactly what it was, but you were distant and he couldn't stand it. He thought that Mason would bring you guys closer together, but you drifted further away instead. I felt sorry for him. He talked about you being so utterly perfect for him that he couldn't stand that you were slipping away from him."

"I wasn't-" My breath automatically killed itself in my throat. Whatever I said now would be a lie, an insulting mistruth to the god I threw away so blindly. "Then, the story about him cheating on me-"

"My idea. He was too afraid to confront you outright on it, so I said he should give you a way out. It was his plan to leave Mason with you because he reminded him too much of what the two of you had been through. After that, the two of us just stayed together and let people believe what they wanted to believe about us."

"I am such a fucking asshole" I gasped, feeling my chest open up in ecstatic explosions of pain. I brought this on myself, on him. "He's here because of me."

"No." Lucy gripped my arm firmly, staring me down the barrel of my guilty mist of tears. "This isn't your fault."

"If I-"

"No. He never once blamed you for anything. He loved you and Mason so much that there wasn't any room for anyone else." She leaned in closer, pulling my head towards her lips. "He needs you now more than ever Logan. Whatever you decide, I'll support you. And he… he will too."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

The light dramatically thinned itself out in the ICU room, the quiet shadows standing sentry over the lone body placed up against the middle of the wall. I'd left Mason to continue his preschool Picasso yearnings with Lucy, afraid that I might have to burst myself apart if he had to walk in here with me. As it stood, I couldn't even bring myself to stare out there into the sight of the man who held my heart in such divine pedestals. My eyes stubbornly chose to avert themselves to the clinical boredom of the floor, but my ears caught onto the timely sighs of the respirator. My feet, just a few minutes ago so sentient, suddenly deserted me in my hour of need, forcing me to wade through guilty lead every time I took a step forward. This was a place caught outside of time, somewhere were reality was at its heaviest and yet didn't seem to exist at all. Could he even hear me? Did he know I was here? Should I pretend that he did? All this pain, all my walls and defenses seemed so trivial now – even the blame I placed on my shoulders seemed to fall by the wayside. For the first time in five years, I wanted him: I wanted to wrap my arms around him and beg him to come back to me. I wanted to tell him that it didn't matter whether I was whole or not, but that I'd figure out how to live as his extension instead of my own person. "But I'm too late, aren't I?" I whispered hoarsely, feeling my heart cringe and contort in feral agony. "I'm too late…"

In a surge of want, my eyes flew up to study how much this visage had changed, how much of the Kendall I knew was still there. The upper left corner of his head was wrapped away in bandages, carefully laced over his eye. A long scar punctuated with stitches spiraled down his cheek, aligning itself perfectly against his jawbone. An IV drip fell with fatal precision down the clear snake of tube into hand, totally in rhythm with the beep of the heart monitor on the other side of the bed. Whatever I knew of this angel was gone in the past three days or so, and my selfishness was to blame. No one ever needed to live as their own person when perfection touched their lives, and I had stupidly banished it out of my existence. I didn't need an identity; I needed him –that fucking breath I held for so long, that must have been him all along! And now, it was stalled forever, destined to suffocate me. "You fucking son of a bitch" I muttered, slowly locking my fingers in between his. "Why didn't you tell me anything? Why didn't you stop me?" A slight heave on the chest I'd lay against for so many nights answered my fury, like some wanton call to me despair. "You know what your problem was?" I said, the air quaking inside of me. "You were too damn perfect for me! Every time, every FUCKING time we were together, you stole me! You made me like this; you made me so empty that I couldn't stand it anymore! And now you want me to just watch you walk away from all this?" The deathly silence answered me this time – I had caught myself in between the beep of his heart monitor. My hand traveled up to line against his face, the stitches of his scar slicing between my skin. "What am I supposed to tell Mason when he grows up and asks why he looks nothing like me? Did you even think of that? NO YOU JUST FUCKING LEFT ME!" My sobs created tears, my tears gave birth to voids, and those voids into infinities of black. There was so much more I wanted to say, so much I wanted to still do, but it was all so pointless now. "Please forgive me" I moaned weakly, my sight obscured by the acidic mist. "I am so sorry Kendall. I love you so much. Don't let go… please don't let me go."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

**ONE YEAR LATER**

"Happy birthday buddy!" I grinned, handing over the giant package to my bouncing six year old. I guess it was a bad idea to let him have free reign over the soda stash, but hey, birthdays only come once a year. Mason's face threatened to split into two as he placed the package next to his other presents, surveying them like some kind of premature Golem. "Can I open them now?" There was no hiding the glee in that question, nor where he got that from. I smirked slyly at him. "Why don't you wait for Lucy, I think she might have the biggest one of all!"

"No way!"

"Yeah way!" I laughed solidly as my son traipsed out of the living room, his feet echoing with the joyful innocence I had sworn to protect. My smile lessened as I stared at the silver band around my finger, yet my heart soared ecstatically for my baby boy. Today was his day, and a chance to honor where he came from. There were no pictures from six years ago here because all I needed was the strength in my heart to remember those adoring flashes for memories. It had been a year since I finally said goodbye, and swore off all others. I stopped breathing, but somehow I still lived. In my emptiness, I found solace and in the silence, Mason's laughter rang true like an angel's chorus. "I'll tell him one day, I swear. We won't ever forget you" I murmured softly. It would be a while for me to heal, maybe I wouldn't ever. But I have a chance to do right by this, by Mason, and there was no room for mistakes this time. From now until I die, breathing just seems so second hand.

**So what did you guys think? Please let me know via a review, you all know how happy those make me! If you have any ideas of what you want me to write, just contact me and I'll do my best to make it happen! Till next time guys, ciao!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Little Tiny Pieces**

**Author's Note:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note: ** Hey guys, what's up? It seems like I NEVER find the time to write anymore, I don't know what's wrong with me! But when this particular story came to me, I just had to write it out. Don't worry though; I'm still working on _Kings of The Night _and _Sky Touch Earth_, as well as a few other projects for the future. As always my dear friends, I highly value your thoughts and comments, so please hit that review button when you're done!

It's not his fault. I have to keep reminding myself of that as I trudge despondently up the stairs into my apartment, feeling gravity haunt me with each successive step I take. I have to move heaven and earth to even draw breath at this point, my body has lost the will to do it on its own. My very existence has degraded to a void that I just can't support anymore. I can't remember the last time I smiled or laughed, or simply saw the world in its rings of color instead of the grey that is now my prison. I'm fighting a war inside my own head, but God only knows which side I'm on. The thing is I shouldn't be struggling like this. He should. When he told me all of that crap, he passed that baton of suffering onto me, as if to say "hey buddy, your turn now". He's the one in love with me, so why the fuck am I caring about this entire mess?

Not even a sigh of air escapes my lips as I flunk my body carelessly onto the bed, feeling the heat of my eyelids cover across my irises. I can see his face so clearly like this, his eyes piercing right through me. They already knew how I'd react before he even uttered a word. That's why they look like two green oceans of sadness, silently washing over me… making me like this. "There's something you should know Logan." If I concentrate hard enough, I hear his voice sound off in my head like some song lulling me off to the depths of my war. He caught me off guard that day, and I haven't been able to regain my balance since. "I'm in love with you." My head writhes painfully against my pillow as my hands tear themselves at my skin, stupidly believing that whatever demon inside of me would be destroyed if I simply bled enough. I feel my nails claw desperately at my milky expanse on either arm, but my efforts are in vain – not a single drop of crimson escapes my body, but a soft cry for help does. How is it that my world fucked itself up so royally just because my best friend sees me as something more?

I'd always known Kendall was gay ever since our graduation ceremony at high school. I don't know what possessed him to tell me that, but he said he couldn't fully place his hell behind him until at least one person knew the truth. Who better than the person that had always been by his side? I was thunderstruck: Kendall had always been the one who had girls practically hurl themselves at him whilst the rest of us had get past the pitiful consequence of looking like second rate rip-offs next to him. He was the hockey team's captain for God's sake; he had led us through a flawless season! But whatever my own opinions were, I could see my friend had trouble written all over his face. Those same eyes that had turned so solemn on me were so vulnerable five years ago, afraid to even think of trusting someone. What choice did I have but to accept him? He would have done the same for me, a bitter irony I choke on now.

College came, and with it, our lives started to define themselves more clearly. Kendall and I moved in together in an apartment close to campus. He chose psychology as his major, while I allowed myself to be captured by the solid lines of architecture. It was stupid of me to think so, but I thought we had the world at our feet. Call it college hubris I guess, but every day I drew breath just for the sheer pleasure of it. I woke up and went to bed with a smile on my face, wondering if my dear friend felt the same exalting high that I did. In hindsight, I should have been smart enough to see that his grins were tinged by this longing that fed on itself every time he looked at me. I always did think that us living together should have opened us up more to the other, but I couldn't have been more wrong – with each passing day, the friend I thought I knew pulled himself away into icy aloofness. Days went by where we wouldn't see each other – he'd leave before the sun could even crack over the horizon and only return long after the moon had set itself against the height of its nocturnal reign. Initially, I was naïve enough to think that it was his work that kept him away, but even the most dedicated of scholars would run themselves into the ground if they tried even half of his pace. I left notes, I texted him, all without a single reply. Feeling slightly spurned, I threw myself into the dating the scene, relishing in the untainted exuberance course through my veins, an inferno that couldn't be tamed. I didn't exactly bed the Victoria's Secret models of campus, but I did alright. Eventually, all the meaningless flings led me to one Camille Roberts. A beautiful storm beyond compare, she was life and light embodied. I fell, hard. I think she was a bit less enthusiastic than I was – she didn't exactly follow me around with puppy-dog eyes like I did with her, but she was taken all the same. For the first time in my life, I was happy. I just didn't have him to see it.

A couple of days before the last set of exams I would ever have to take, I came home after lunch to find a solemn blond man sitting on the couch, waiting for me. I was surprised – for four years, the man I called my best friend had given me the runaround, only to finally turn tail now. Even though we lived in the same apartment, he looked different somehow, aged… hopeless. I walked over to him and shook him by the shoulders, begging him to tell me what was wrong. I looked dead straight into those emerald mirrors to see my own imploring reflected back at me. Whoever this man was, he wasn't Kendall. "I can't do this anymore" he whispered. His eyes had taken one final glance at me before shielding themselves from my own. Once more, a ceaseless flow of words burst forth from me, all centered on the same ideal: "tell me." His body gave a miserable shudder; his eyes had closed so painfully, I feared he may break if I gripped him any tighter. "Please… don't be mad. I love you."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

The rain outside patters softly against my window, a faint of my name by Nature herself. My emptiness swirls around this hollow shell I call a body, toying with my thoughts. Its in times like these I hear his voice so clear, so tauntingly quiet in the chaos inside me. I want to live again, I want to feel that same high I used before I stepped into this mess, but I don't know how. After Kendall confessed himself to me, it took a single night for him to leave my life. I've been in this place for twenty four months to date, stuck here, blindly feeling my way through the numbness. He left without taking a single thing. His breath was the very last thing that I remembered; a wordless apology for leaving me in this deadened state. I was too frozen in my own disbelief to stop him from going. Looking back on it, perhaps a part of him did want me to stop him, to know that I needed him, even if it was only as a friend. I should have stopped him. Maybe that way, things wouldn't have been so bad. Kendall slipped through my fingers two years ago, and I haven't been privileged enough to see him since. My life has changed since I graduated: I've joined one of New York's most prestigious architecture firms, I lost my mother to cancer, but most of all, I've lost the ability to feel… anything. I broke up with Camille like she meant nothing. Whether I love her or not, it's all the same in the end… he's not here. He's not here to clean up this fucking tempest he's left me in. He's not here to see how I hate myself every day… he's not here to put me out of my misery, the fucking bastard.

"Logan?" My eyes flutter suddenly at the soft call of my name. I know that voice so well, but I can't tell if it's outside my head or not. He cuts a lonely figure in the passage way, walking across to stand before me. He's changed again: his face is more angular this time, more clinical than emotional. I'm amused at the frameless glasses he's wearing, but my brief stab of laughter is cut short by that sea green pierce of angst he shoots me with. My emotions ready themselves for battle. I want him to know every single bit of torture he's put me through by his damn admission, but somehow the words escape me. I want him to stay here and go back to our high school days, back to when everything could be connected with straight simple lines. I want us back, but in what sense?

"Why?" I hear myself ask softly, hearing the distant drums of rain halt their heavenly suicide. I shake my head disbelievingly, reaching out to him to make sure I'm not hallucinating. My fingers feel the depressing yield of his skin: he's here; he's come back to me. "I never did give back my key" he murmurs, tilting his head sympathetically. My eyes narrow coldly. "I haven't seen you for two fucking years, and all you want to do is give me a stupid key back?"

"No." He turns his head to the side and bites his lip anxiously. "I… I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't pull me out of the funk you've got me in Goldilocks" I mutter heatedly, feeling fire run through my blood. My hands curl into bitter fists as I talk. I want to hit something. I want to lose control tonight. "Are you… do you still love me?"

"Yes."

"Then why leave?"

"Because I can't stand the fact that you don't see me the same way" he whispers. "I know you're hurting because of me."

"Then do something!" I cry weakly, flunking against the couch. My hand tightens around his wrist, pulling him down against me. He is my friend; I don't want him to leave me again. "What are you doing?" he breathes, his eyes still not looking at me. My head lolls sickeningly against his shoulder, pulling him into a loose embrace of my body. I give in to my mad fascination, my fucking twisted ego. "Whatever it takes to get you to stay this time." His being goes rigid in my hold. He's taller than I am, but I grip to what I can of him to put him in place. His fear intoxicates me, decadently in synch with the lively drum in his chest. I don't know what the hell I'm doing right now, but I can't stop myself. "Is this what you want?" I whisper brokenly, feeling his breath fall across my shoulder. My lips are mere millimeters away from tasting his skin, but he's not holding still for me to sink into it. He's fighting me, halfheartedly, but struggling nonetheless. "I don't… not like this" he says, finally falling still. My forehead taps gently against his shoulder; we're two halves cut from the same fractured stone. "You're my friend" he says, his voice raining down to my very essence. "I don't want you to do this because you're forced to."

"I'm not-"

"If you want me to stay, I'll stay Logan. But not as something we'll regret later on." His hand rubs my spiky forest of hair, swinging us into some sort of broken comfort. I close my eyes, but this time I can't hear that voice anymore. I can't even begin to tell if this is real or not, but I don't care anymore. He's home now, that's all that matters.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"You always were an evening person" he says smugly, handing me a mug of coffee as I lazily focus my gaze onto him. "Waking up before nine on a weekend should be against the law" I mutter, gratefully feeling the black brew's warmth spread through my fingers. He takes his seat opposite me, never once losing the emerald sparkle in his eyes. It's only been a couple of weeks since he moved back in, but somehow we've seamlessly functioned ourselves back to the way things were. Of course, things aren't completely normal yet – there are still times like these, these little silences where neither of us knows what to say, but we're thinking the exact same thing. We know better than to dredge up the past now. We're too fragile at this point to even acknowledge what went on for the past two years. Maybe one day, I'll ask him about it, and we really will work it out, but for now ignorance is bliss I guess.

"So what do you want to do today?" I ask, smirking at him behind the thin wisps of steam from my mug. He lowers his eyes coyly, turning his smile into something a bit more substantial. "I have a date tonight" he says quietly, placing his own mug gently on the table. My own grin slips into a numbed expression. "Oh… well, that's great."

"Yeah." There's another deafening pause in our conversation as words seethe under our tongues. I watch him fidget uncomfortably in his seat before he opens his mouth again. "Look, if you're not comfortable with it, I'll cancel."

"Why wouldn't I be comfortable Kendall? I'm happy for you" I say, throwing him a mischievous wink. "Just remember the 'no sex on the couch' rule and I'll be fine." It's not a complete lie. I really am happy for him. He's moving on, just without me. It's only fair though, I can't imagine his side of all our drama. I didn't even get to tell him that I treasure him so much as a friend that there wasn't any more room for something more. Still hurts like a bitch though, but at least he's here with me now. We can always pick up the pieces later – for now, I just need him here with me.

**Well guys, what did you think? Please leave a review and let me know what you thought! Till next time!**


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